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Simply Im a mom trying to suffer through life trials and set backs with a smile on my face and a new outlook on life! Being a single mom in utah and owning a tractor trailer has really made my life interesting... And lets not forget dating in your 30's that could drive anyone insane! Therapy is needed so I have decided to blog... maybe through humor, tears and strength we can all pull through..

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Extremely beautiful

I was reviewing my previous blog.. I saw this and remembered how i would look at that phrase every morning. I had to get a new phone and lost that email. My blog entry was a simple reminder of what I needed to hear. Times are still tough I am still grieving over the loss of my princess life. My Boss speakers, leather seats, and 3500 square feet of home, 4 bedrooms, two kitchens and a fences manicured lawn. When will it get easier? Today I have a blown gasket in the truck, cluttered basement apartment, and once again lost my firm hand. Why do I miss someone that distrusts me so bad? I cannot convince him and he will never believe. Funny how you can change for one last chance. Was it a good thing? It didnt help. My young hot biker boy... took me back. He responded to my email about the couch. It was legit, yet and excuse to get close. He responded and said he kinda missed me. I was in shock. He was rude and disrespectful when we last spoke. Why would he miss me and why should I miss him? I craved my nightly conversations, those simple calls when he got home. The little texts that he said he missed me to. The fights! Him admitting he just cant let me go. His power, the total feeling of being protected and secure.. I miss. But he was back! He told me I had another chance. Now I should have told him to shove it up his ass. He is the lucky bastard that I have given him the time of day again. But standing next to him my head leaned on his chest and I forget he is an arrogant son of a bitch. He was sick the other day and I was in the neighborhood. Now I learned that happy valley has only one damn starbucks... Joyous!! Now it would have been a quick and simple route to his house but I had to detour to get his coffee. Now this is when I should have listened. Damnit what does he drink? I know three shots of espresso, peppermint in a latte or mocha? Well when I surprised him he said I got it right. I have missed him so much. That girlish giggle is back. The constant wondering and hoping hes thinking of me. It pathetic.
But he came over the other night and once again demons plagued his visit. He said he was falling in love with me. I dont like the L word and its not a true word. Its pharmones and infatuation the first year. Its different then when I read the blog about trucker boy saying it because he is a close friend not a passionate lover. His kisses never went to my toes. He was quiet and understanding. Biker boy is passion and twitterpation. Its too soon!! Worse part is I heard those words sneak through my lips. He is complete satisfaction to me.
Once again Im a liar and he distrusts me. I cannot and will not give my close friends up. I am not sure what to do. I will not get him back nor should I? Is he unhealthy for me or just a firm hand? Everything I do he is upset with, which is wrong. If I dont mention something because I do not find importance in that act then I am a liar and deceiving him. Is it the idea of him? Is it his stature? Feeling so safe? He is going back to school and I felt so proud of him. I want to show him off I loved going out with him.. He says I come in ass a hard ass and leave as a cuddly little thing. I am just being around him I melt.
I dont want to think, I dont want to hurt, he came into my life so swift when I put out in the universe I wanted him. I will now have to void him from my mind. I am going to work, clean and care for boys over and over again. No thoughts will be wasted on yellow motorbikes..

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