About Me

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Simply Im a mom trying to suffer through life trials and set backs with a smile on my face and a new outlook on life! Being a single mom in utah and owning a tractor trailer has really made my life interesting... And lets not forget dating in your 30's that could drive anyone insane! Therapy is needed so I have decided to blog... maybe through humor, tears and strength we can all pull through..

Monday, November 23, 2009

strength... I wrote it 12-6-2009 didnt post..should have

Im not sure where it comes from but Im hoping to salvage some soon. The attitude in keeping my head up and working hard is getting to be somewhat of a huge challenge. Doors of opportunity are being slammed left and right the only door that opens seems to be at the foot of some steep knarly stairs that I seem to trip and fall down constantly. Right now im just a heap of battered emotions and the lost will to continue in the path that I have been so headstrong to continue on.
Yes this is a pity party! Exhaustion and self doubt continually leads me in this direction. I am not sure how to detour myself off this path the rocks and roadblocks hinder me to accomplishing my goal... its a simple goal to suceed enough to clothe and feed my children no biggie. Yes the escalade, mercades and the big house with the full time housekeeper and chef would be pretty damn cool. Right now just to keep the kids fed and clothed would be the kicker for me.
I was able to rest at my parent during thanksgiving. Actually it was an escape from all of the stressors pressing on my mind. I almost considered not leaving. Im still considering going back and telling anyone. Just hop in my car in my favorite vickie secret velour... pack my jeans that fit me a hoodie and toothbrush. Instant new life. Secret life..well kinda except everyone knows me and so it wouldnt be soo soo secret. My mom was great in a way she was like when i was small. She gave me the quiet support that I have been craving for years. Like tender hugs and soft strokes on my hair like when I was a little girl. Not judgements not harping no critical comments on my lifestyle. I am sure that she sensed that I was to fragile to even take a critic so small as to put away your glass...
Tomorrow is the 7th.. happy, sad. Skinny trucker boy and my first date was the 7th 5 months ago. It was the day my friend died too. happy, Sad.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

emotional hiccup... lets just all catch up

Well I havent written for a while. Maybe I should have. I basically checked out of life between thanksgiving and Christmas. I looked at an earlier post that I did not post. I will after this one. I didnt realize how emotionally destitute I was. It proves that there is hope and that situations will change with hope. While sitting here and writing this my phone pinged with an email. Funny from Heather Madder....amazing personal life coach and person. It is titled how to heal from previous relationships. Well I didnt need that at all...
I was pouting last night over the kids testing my patience EVERY night over the routine that they have been practicing for 5 Years. Simple, brush teeth, pjs, and bed by 9:30. Why question EVERY NIGHT and wonder why I am grumpy.
Just like the towel in the bathroom... HANG IT UP!!! I have used tough love lately when they had to dry off with a hand towel. I refused to give them a towel until they learned to hang it up. Mind you they are 11 and 13. We are not talking about toddlers here... well physically.
They learned pretty quick to aim after cleaning the toilets, floor, shower curtain. So far I havent tripped over a towel this week.

After Christmas I threw my life in the air and said fix it... The universe and God have taken hold. As long as I dont send road blocks in my path my life is drifting in a more positive direction. My roadblocks are stubbornness, hate, laziness, fear, and being uncomfortable, trying something new..
I am shutting down the truck. It breaks my heart, but its a dark industry. Without Jed, or skinny trucker #2 protecting me. I cant compete. I dont want to compete, its a dark, dog devour dog world and I dont want to become a vicious, blood thirsty pit bull that has to watch their back.
The other "changes" the universe has enforced for me... My Tahoe totaled, replaced with a 1994 chevy pick up..... lets not go there right now.... new opportunity in a job with endless possibilities, I am excited about it. I also feel a bit of failure because its a failure to work for someone else? Yet there will be a distinct separation between work and home in which I have not had for years. Funny how deep down you ask and you receive.
I cut my hair... 12 inches donated....
Love? ha ha nope... I found myself craving someone that I had years ago. I was thinking why didnt it work out? could have it worked out? I could have been content....
Content... wow that word came out and whacked me across the face. Is that just a pretty word for settling? Is that a bad thing? Well funny how the universe works... as I was contemplating why it wouldnt be so bad to be content with someone I was with for 3 years. Its wasn't a tragic relationship. It was actually very nice, comfortable... (that is another warning word also) but after 3 years fireworks have to simmer down or you will kill yourself from pure exhaustion.
Then last night I received a text from the person. Yep, I pray it was a drunk text...because it was not appropriate, seething with jealousy, and questioning my dedication. Ummm hello I was not the one that couldn't step up to the plate. Interesting how simple reminders lately pass before me.
My cute trucker boy #2. He is absolutely the sweetest, kindest, royal pain in the ass that I know. I honestly love him.. but in a true friendship kind of way. I have wondered if we could make it work in an unconventional kind of way. He detests the city. I would shrivel in the country. Yet he is just soothing. His voice, his encouragement. His innocence in a way is a huge turn on for me. He is simplicity... he is who I would have been with if I had stayed in the little town. When he tells me I'm a royal pain in the ass. He gave me a purpose. I gave him an attitude, confidence, I created a monster to a point... He came out the "the city" with his new boss. I was their tour guide while they tried to add an MC # to their USDOT #... Yeah trucker stuff. They took me to lunch and he still even in public... let me eat off his plate. During Christmas, I went and hung out with him, absolutely perfect, quiet, laying on his chest watching a cowboy movie...and he had beer! My parents place is dry!
Unfortunately the X wife had hindered his mood by not allowing him to see his daughter. That is my biggest pet peeve, women that use the children as a ploy.. anyway that is another blog in its self.
After years of listening to Bex telling me that my self worth is higher than I can even imagine, I am starting to believe her. Unfortunately it took another cheer leader on my side lines to make me truly believe those words.
My new recruit to the "Erin is that amazing" campaign is a friend that I truly value their opinion. He is the firm hand that to a point adores me.
I have an email on my phone I look at it everyday to enforce the new attitude. It says "extremely beautiful."
It is the ego boost that I need every morning to carry myself through out the day... I look at it as an overall description of what and how everything should be.. extremely beautiful.
He is the ego boost to the max! He is defiantly on the keeper in the friend factor.
He is always asking why someone as beautiful, amazing, successful as I has not been snatched up. Obviously him being married forever from the age of 20 he has not had to tiptoe through the gooo of singlehood and taste the biter bite of dating.
He told me that if I put my mind to it I could be with someone by the weekend. Oh I am sure of that but would it be healthy... nope... oh wait didn't I do that already? Yeah skinny trucker #1. Oh yeah that went really well...
Gotta love the advice marrieds give to singles.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

those damn skinny pants, cellulite hips and the brownies calling me

Life is still spinning but I am taking the advice of my James... tell them you are getting it done and you will be there.... okay... Also a business associate told me more advice... they need you and so you have the control.... use it!!! The truck pump is STILL not on..... and the truck is needed in Williston... we are getting there.... fuck it!!!
I was going through my jeans and my 7's are sitting there wondering when IM gonna get off my ass and get the muffin top worked off so I can somehow squeeze my running thighs into those god forsaken skinny hot jeans!!!
My legs! you put them in a line up with any hard body and they can hold their own. They are still freaking hot!!! you put me in some heels a baggy top and short shorts and I can cause damage.... yes the baggy top is to cover the brownie induced muffin top...
Im still in a Xanax soothed stress mood.... Im right now listening to wall balls vibrate off my walls downstairs rattling everything hung on the wall in front of me.... lovely. Oh yes the cleaned laundry that is stacked 7 feet tall and ever so close to tumbling on to the dog hair ladened floor.... uckk... Well Brendan is looking for his short pgs and he is just knows is at the bottom of the teetering mass of a weeks worth of laundry.... thank god for xanax or i would be hitting the bottle of vodka in my closet...
Oh yes Brendan did ask how I was holding up today seeing that I broke the container part on my coffee pot. Its ordered... Brendan said "we can make it through mom." Little 11 year old smart ass.
One simple pleasure though is while I was making breakfast ( that did not require milk.... now I remember what I forgot at the store)
I found the book where the wild things are. As we made breakfast I started to read it in the way I read to them when they were very young. AND THEY REMEMBER THE NASHING TEETH AND THE GROWLING!!! There might be hope for them to grow up to be well adjusted children. Maybe, Brendan was sliding on his rear in the team shower yesterday.

Oh yes I talked to SK#2 yesterday.. Second official fight I guess.. I changed my relationship status back to single on facebook....So there!!! Actually I need to change it back I actually changed it so that I could keep distance from co workers and keep myself out of trouble.
Well I got him talking about the Family... and the "community" It simply intriques me. I see visions of the waltons and big love all rolled together. My degree and just simple nosey curiosity keeps me nudging him for info on the little group.
Plus it makes my mother twitch when I mention the type of community he is from. I know its cruel. You know a second wife around wouldnt be bad. She could help out a little, watch the kids when im not here. Heck not a bad idea.... And her payment is half your man... And yesterday I would have gladly handed his skinny, bullheaded ass to someone else in a heart beat.
He was not in agreement to the multiple wife thing. He cannot see why in the hell a man would voluntarily sucum to that kind of punishment times 2, 3 or4 more times.
He did say that if he did stay and marry the first girl to break his heart. He would prolly be living in two sheds with two wives a hell of a lot of kids and making min wage... The girlfriend would have made him get another one. He would be now probably contimplating what the hell because he would have daughters at the age to be married as a second wife to someone else... He said that really grossed him out. And that he would never ever get to see any good lingere.
He said that it would be the thing to do. Now listening to that we are saying how in the hell can we say that is the thing to do? But look at someone who is viewing the primary religion of Utah and how we send our young sons out into the middle of some country to fend for themselves and contract everytype of parasite known to man... because its the thing to do.... Yep made my point. I dont care people will disagree with my rationalization.
I can see the sister hood to it. Your built in Merideth when you are having a yang moment.. (season 6 episode 6 Greys Anatomy)
I saw that sisterhood and dependancy on each other get annialated when Governer Leavitt helped his baby bro out by placing Tom Green to prison and vanquishing each wife to a seperate county accross the state. Two lost the support of their very own sister. Two were left alone with severly disabled children. Each had no education and knowledge of how the world functions. Two were married in their teens only knowing how to be a wife and mother with the support of three other women. Very cruel act indeed. Worse than the actual crime. If someone told me I could not be near my closest and truest girlfriend I would literally fall apart.
Hmmm but right now if there was someone doing my dishes while I was daddling on the computer......priceless.
This morning of course Brendan was in my bed... I laid down next to him last night for but a moment.... at 2 am woke up !!! Damnit I was sneaking out to hang with Net. DAMNIT!! ( Gotta love at 36 years old I am required to ask a 12 year old if I can go down the road to hang with my adult friend while he sleeps, and to get past the 11 year old I have to sneak out... I didnt do any of this shit when I was a teenager!)
Well while he was picking my nose with his huge number one finger that ended up in my bed, with the blankey, redwings blankey, and somewhere sock monkey was in there too.. The other day i woke up cuddling the damn thing. Anyway Ciara found herself a spot inbetween on her back with her tail flopping hitting each of us in the face. Kalin wandered in to be captured under the covers with me.. He tolerates it when I make him cuddle with me. He used to when he was a babe come in and lie with me everyweekend.... Hell I hate them growing up!! That is when we would read books and play with tiny little furry toys in my bed... YEah so when they left and the next night my little toes would come across the furry intruder and give my heart a reason to stop beating.
Jeans and poligamy hmmm Im hitting all the bases today! So Im going to bundle up and go for a run... pray for me!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

how do women seriously do it

I hear about these amazing women that hop over the cooperate ladder with babe in one hand and the vacuum in the other. Their nails always done, hair in place... they do it all in complete perfection. Okay so how in the hell do they do it? Do they have family, spouse, or live in something to give them the ability to chase their dreams? Or do they not sleep? It could be that they are a bit more organized, driven and sleep a lot less than me.... Im simply not sure. My two Rifle trips within a week is simply kicking my ass and the potential of another trip Im not to happy about... also I do sell insurance too!!! Then the paperwork, hockey practice, dog walking, dishes, homework, yelling at kids to do the dishes, laundry..... I feel like I have fallen behind and really cannot catch up.. The sprint trips to Colorado are not helping either. Simply put how in the Hell do they do it? I try to grasp everything in my childrens life, my life and any other life that I am now involved in and keep the expectations that they require. Sometimes Im just too damn tired to care. Sometimes its just come and hang out... but the drive down the road is to draining to even want to think of climbing into my car. Now Skinny trucker #2..... I was going to say he doesnt count. Then I remembered my conversation with Bex at dinner (after I turned off my phone damn trucks!) That he to doesnt understand and needs to understand my world... When I get stressed I cant as he would say " I just need to get in my truck and haul heavy shit" First I can only put it in first and reverse, second I dont have a CDL and third Im a mom to two darling boys and one neglected at the moment yellow lab! I have insurance clients, band camp, and contracts and and and and.... simply put how do they do it?
I know organization is valuable.... Im getting there. I know some alone time... I need to start running again and I cant say its to cold... last year I was running in freaking 30 degree weather...INSANE, I know but the cold was a shock to my system and harsh and great. Yes this is the girl that is in a hoodie at 70 degrees. I need to play hockey again.... for my sanity.. Unfortuantly my hips cant take it anymore.
I need to take one day at a time and pace myself and get one job done at a time... I need to duct tape the kids to the wall and get the damn truck to williston where it can go and do and is far enough away where Its a vacation to go visit it... Yes Willistion North Dakota in the winter!!! Any takers?
I need peace, harmony, and a boyfriend in the same town. I need a full time maid.... I need a wife. I need someone that can send off the kids, make dinner and fix the sprinkling system in one day.
I need to simplify. One day at a time... a check list... and chore board like the boys.....
hmmmmm.... right now I just need to sleep.... ;)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

hungry boys!!!

As my sons get older my inadequacies become visual. I simply cant cook. My mother was a wonderful cook. Every Sunday we had a roast or steak. My sons reminded me of this one day as we were traveling to hockey practice.
My oldest Kalin "Mom when we were at grandmas she makes a meal every Sunday like your Thanksgiving dinner."
He continues " Oh and what is that white thing you put on the table to make it fancy... you only do it on Christmas."
"Table Cloth?" I replied.
"oh yeah mom!"
My youngest chirps in "Yeah Grandma make potatoes and meat... and lots of stuff on Sunday."
Well this conversation was pretty much putting holes in my Domestic Deva armor... Who am I kidding I dont have a domestic bone in my body. Who likes to cook for two small children and yourself. Especially when one thinks the five basic food groups are ketchup, fry sauce, ranch dressing and whatever you can smother, dip or swim in these.. Anything that would be remotely healthy for him he sits and gags on until I want to wring his neck. Of course at Grandmas house he is the poster child for flawless behavior and superburb table manners. He split personality behavior just gives my mother more ammo in her not so subtle critisism of my parenting, lifestyle, housekeeping...... is there anything else? Oh yes sometimes my hair just falls in my face and that is an annoyance to her also...
Anyway... I cant cook.
I told each of my children that if they promise to each what I cook then I will cook like that. They both agreed. Now the "little one" He is now 87 lbs and bigger than his older brother. He still enjoys reeking havioc on my dinner menu. He doesnt like spaghetti, no sloppy Joes, Navajo tacos YES! But with store bought chili.... What! store bought. Now I can cook chili, steaks, roasts, etc.... and a kickass brown gravy. Its some of the little stuff I cant manage. Then I find out that the sweet thing eats it at his dads!!! Also they are starting to eat alot!!! I used to have left overs or be able to have two meals.
My kids are simply amazing. Sometimes I feel as if I am dragging them through my heart ache and misery and failures. I pride myself in being on my own. I feel as though I if I fail I failed on my own and if I succeed. You bet your ass I did... problem is when I fail the boys fail with me.
But Im a fighter and hopefully my sons can see that and will appreciate the fight that I survived (I hope) for them. The trucks are soo tiring and the economy is killing my insurance.. But it is coming back! Just takes time and I havent been in either long enough to be recession proof..
I just keep fighting and keep my fingers crossed!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Im sick

Here I am sick. I have been feeling iiiiiicccckk for at least a week and it has finally hit. Where am I at? SK#2 house. Nothing better than taking a three hour drive to spend it with someone that is well kinda getting under your skin.... to ending up sleeping and blowing your nose most of the time. I am accepting that he is a red neck. I can deal. If it comes to it I can always dress him. But there are things that I thought that would not matter. He likes it when I wear sundresses. Its to damn cold right now winter I swear just hit in Utah. He appreciates it when I do fix up... Seriously did I just write that!! He appreciates it when I put time into my appearence, which I have always done when I go out there, even at the shop its work related you know! Except for this week I wasnt lookin to hot! I told him I wasnt feeling that great. He was coming out but then had to work, I am suspecting that either the Dispatcher is doing it on purpose or he is putting them up to it... Anyway I showed up in my VS pink weekend lounging outfit. He had asked me on the phone what I was wear out and I told him my vickie secret sweat outfit..
He said "Sweats! Were not married yet!" Aka what the hell we haven't dated that long for you to let yourself go!
But the vickie secret sweat outfit passed inspection, he said kinda sexy cuz the tatoo barely showed over the top of the pants.... the sniffles well he tolerated. Last weekend this is the guy that would rather cut his arms off then snuggle. ( I will give you the speed version of what happened last weekend) I of course snuggled up with my tissues and bottle of tylenol cold and flu.. I figured I could kick this soon.. Ummm no its basically kicking my ass!
I told him sorry when Im sick im kinda clingy. He said he noticed but said its okay. As always he cooked me dinner when I got there. We also hit the small town store for some orange juice and anything else I needed.
Im getting to be known down at the shop. I went down to take him his mountain dew. He leaves early for the shop so I usually take him one down around 10 am and chat with his boss. Boss is gone on the elk hunt so Im actually doing this just for him. The truckers that are there. Give me the smile and how are ya! Most are getting to know who I am "the Friend."
This morning I crawled into the the Berry colored Pete for a trip to get a load of frac sand from Rock springs Wy. Off the sand rail...... Yeah.... I guess for this job they are doing it needs special sand that you get off the railroad cars in Wyoming. Might as well go I can be miserable here or in the back of the 70 inch sleeper.
It was actually a great ride. It took us two hours and one 15 minute nap for me. There isn't a lot of talking when he drives ( oohh that was another hick comment, my mother would kill me!) If you saw the road we were on you would understand. Switchbacks BIG switchbacks that fall off the mountain. Now a big truck doesnt hug the road like a personal vehicle and then there is all of the shifting AND when you are loaded that weight will push against you. We loaded at the railroad place... sorry I am high on cough medicine and cant think of any fancy words... Im lucky to somewhat make sense..
On the way home I crawled in back again and slept for a good hour. This cold is getting worse. Once I got back to his place I curled up on his bed and crashed! He came in and made sure I was covered in the blanket. I wasn't hungry for food so he just let me eat off his plate....( you have admit that is kind of cute) He went and got me more juice and really noticed that I didnt feel good at all. He was teasing me about my laziness but when he gave me a hug he told me that I didnt look like I felt very well at all.

Its the little things I would always think. Novell boy would always sneak in his daughter's good shampoo and conditioner into his bathroom when I would shower and also a towel. He would leave me a glass of water and some ibuprofen on the side of my bed when he knew I was going to have a rough morning. There were so many little things with him but they never produced into one BIG thing.
Incident boy made me breakfast when I came over one morning. Okay he is just another story....
The little things need to mean something and each person does something different to mean that they care. Novell boy cared we both loved each other but it just was not our thing to be together.

Also to update you I spent last weekend with Skinny trucker boy too... Last Saturday night he called. He missed me and he admitted it. We had discussed him coming out on friday. But it didnt happen. One of life stresses he had encountered was his truck was stolen. He is with out wheels until police reports, insurance papers. Seriously does he make this stuff up? He was leaving for 90 days... I will repeat that for 90 days! What am I to do? He asked me simply to come out to see him. He texted me some interesting reasons why I should come and see him. (not bad for a polygamist boy from montana) So I threw a bag together and traveled the almost three hours to see him. I must admit that I almost turned around. I wanted to know that i matter to someone. Not surface, but to know that you matter to someone. After about an hour of driving cussing myself for allowing a boy to make me vulnerable and weak I continued on. He called close to my destination to check and see if I was okay. He could tell that I was annoyed. I am still not sure why I was, possibly because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him.
After traveling in the dark through deer infested roads I made it. I walked around back and he hugged me tight and kissed me hard. Alright that makes the long ass drive okay. He just stood there and hugged me. He whispered a thank you in my ear and continued to hold me.
I wont lie and say that it was the best weekend ever. I mean it was great but the nagging thought that I wont see him for over 90 days and the other nagging thought if I truly mattered. Pretty much just garbage in my head from the damage caused by incident boy. He was supposed to be leaving for three months.. Seriously I think him and the dispatcher are doing it on purpose. While I was there (Im giving you the short man story version) we had the do I matter talk... I was bugged that he was doing something. Problably not acknowledging my presence enough, giving me the attention that I was demanding so that I wouldn't feel like an insecure school girl who was following her boyfriend around like a sick puppy. No matter who I talk to we end up doing this.
Okay... as we are wandering around the store in frozen food aisle I ask him if I matter.. Huh? He says yes and continues to try to remember why we came over to the store in the first place.. Once again arms folded in his face I asked "Do I matter?"
He looks at me and says softly " Yes. you do."
"Why didnt you snuggle me? Game on and Im itching for a fight.
He responded " I hate to snuggle, I would rather cut my arms off then snuggle! I came in loved on you for a minute isnt that enough?"
I thought about it.... I guess so... I guess it really was. He came in and checked on me kissed me for a bit and did lay his head on my chest. I had gone in to lie down for a minute and wanted him to come in also last week.
So this weekend we moved to the we are dating status.... this doesn't really do anything just gives me a different name rather than "the girl." Actually some of the guys are getting to know my name... Maybe I need to stop hanging out as much.
Dennis told me this afternoon that he didnt recognize me when I got out of the truck. I will take that as a compliment. I had a ball cap a huge hoodie, sneakers and my comfiest jeans that are on the verge of coming undone at the ass... And my tissues....
I guess he knows me at my worst... well almost... I sure hope I didnt get him sick too..

Friday, September 25, 2009


So how much is to much? Really not sure so im winging it. Like I said before this blog is therapy and a distraction. Im pmsy, stressed, tired, annoyed and Ive pretty much have had it with the trials and tribulations with truckers, other peoples wounded feelings and anything that has tires. To top it off "lil Missy" aka the 2003 international.... Pulled attitude today. Thank goodness for my friend Mike who wrenchs on his own trucks and gave me a list of why she just up and died on the side of the freeway... (pouting is not a mechanical problem I guess). Well its a fuel thingy thing and she is ready to go.. Note: to whoever drivers her keep the right side filled with fuel....
Right now with all that is going on I am feeling like I am falling apart and stretching out to cling on to some male companionship. No matter how Bad ass I say I am or how present my self as a together kind of gal, I am or how independent I am. As a woman we all want to feel safe and protected. Sometimes with everything swirling around me, all I want is to be cared for. Just for a few minutes. Snuggle up to someone and hear their heart beat. So Im blogging instead of reaching out and making an ass of myself over text or IM.
Last night my driver took all of his life stresses out and pulled a not so smart attitude on the job and got thrown off. I give up.... I want to be coddled. I want a kiss on the forehead and my hair brushed out of my face.
In the middle of my mild mental break down and my cell phone on the verge of running out of battery for the second time AND MY DAMN TRUCK IS STILL ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...... breathe... James called. James is the best! I dont need a man I have him and his wife Tawyna. He is one of incident boys best friends. We have now learned to live in somewhat of a twisted harmony where James has played messenger, consultant, tattletale and referee.
He got to hear me cry today. Believe me he has before.... alot. He experienced almost every hormonal outburst and delicate emotional moment during the incident. Hes a trooper. After the tears flowed and a few encouraging words James was saved by a phone call...yeah right, James made it better....
I was able to deal with the speeding complaint, the continual trucker badgering, and finally lil missy was mended and back on the road.
Skinny Trucker #2 called. This week life has dished him out a few miserable moments for him to deal with also. Unlike me, he does not crave companionship he avoids it. Obviously you can see it has not been a favorable week for either of us and it has just been for the best for us to keep our interaction to the minimum.
He called, everything became okay. We teased on the phone back and forth while he asked me about his conversations with his boss. He mocked me now that I refer to his boss as "Uncle Dave." I asked him how he knew and he said that he came out in the shop and said... "Steveo.. Your F$##% Girlfriend, thinks shes got this G$& D#$%^ St George job figured out." You have got to understand Uncle Dave. Those are terms of endearment.
In his soft voice he told me I could be there by 9 pm. I apologized that I couldnt because I have my sons. He is thinking about coming out and staying with me this weekend. He said he would never come out to the City. He misses me. Im starting to miss him. I need to miss him, I need him to miss me, I need him to need me and most of all I need to know that I matter. He told me tonight in our conversation that I do mean something. It doesnt mean its romantic relationship kind of matter ( I would prefer none of that ... the tummy ache) but friendship and that my time with him matters. I think that is where my heartbreak comes from with Incident Boy. I know I was the recovery girl and he was the recovery boy...but he promised to be my friend always. He was the one that said it and promised it to me. I never asked him to. He broke that simple 5 year old sounding promise.
I hope this Montana boy is a little bit gentler...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I should have my own reality show

Well for starters. I am really not sure how to do this. I guess its like placing the words on paper the you ooze out when you are having a drunken moment and confess all of your thoughts fears and loves to your best friend who is holding your hair as you lean over the toilet. You always feel better after that. I'm thinking that this will be great therapy. In the years to come my children can look it up and prove to their therapist that they indeed came out alot better than expected.
Anyway the latest experience in my life that proves that I am getting very close to being accepted to the Jerry Springer show.

My friends wedding on Saturday!
Of course there will be some history and drama mixed.
Anyway I am hauling ass from Rifle Colorado to make it there. Its a truck thing in Colorado.
I get back throw myself together for the evening. I have to look extra hot! You will find out why. My date meets me and looks absolutely amazing. Come on I can pick them! 30 years old, amazing body, shaved head, black eyes, and smokin hot. Also dressed like someone right off a GQ magazine. He even made sure we color coordinated.
As we enter the wedding he squeezes my hand and tells me to quit spazzing out.
Let me set the mood. My great friends are the bride and groom. The best man is someone I dated. Lets call him "incident boy". He refers to me as "crazy Bitch." (If he has reason to call me that lets just say it was 10 weeks of uncontrolled hormones that he helped create!)
It gets better.... then sitting on the other side of the room is incident boys wife, ex wife, currently seperated or as he would call her "the whore". I think I scored with the nicer of the two nicknames. The person he has sold equipment for, spent thousands of dollars to divorce, and has been in a horrible, vile custody battle with.... is his date.
I have reasons to freak out.
While sitting there my dreamy date leans over to me after surveying the interesting chaos around us.
He says to me "You dont like me because I do not need to be fixed".
History on turtle.... aka my dreamy date.... We dated 3 years ago a bit. He dumped me for his current ex girlfriend, I started dating Novell boy. Through the 3 years we have been confidents, friends, buddies, and support for each other. I have cried on his shoulder about EVERYTHING for years.
I then answered " your right."
I have been outted. I will admit im a Nurturer. I can admit now that im a fixer. I am not sure why.
My BFF Becky has pretty much figured that out a while ago and told me the same thing a few weeks ago. She told me if I need to fix people go back into social work. But I dont want tooooo.....
Its true. There is nothing to fix with Turtle. He is a single dad raising his boys full time and doing a great job. Other than having to pickup the boys once he really doesnt need me. Ahhh yes I have some bizarre need to be needed. Do I know why? Nope... If I did I would be in a calm, non drama relationship (uh wait we cant use that word...makes my tummy hurt.... hang out buddy ) with Turtle.
Luckily I survived the beautiful wedding. Incident boy and I didnt even look at each other. I had a great time with Turtle. Incidet boy and I did the week prior text and talk about Trucks and a little bit about that if his wife would pull her head out he would take her back. I responded with the lecture people dont change!!! Accept that behavior or get the hell out. I will note that I am sooo good at listening to my own advice. Becky is so proud of me that it only took 3 years for me to figure that out with Novell Boy.
Two days later at the truck yard. James, the groom or my rockstar buddy.... we were figuring out the dumptruck thing. Asked me why I am not with Turtle? I told him my reasons. He told me just quit it. He is great, you are cute together, comfortable with each other and if he will deal with your shit go for it.
Easier said than done.. Do you wanna hear the rest?
So I have been seeing someone else also. Skinny trucker #2. Incident boy is the original.
Well SK#2 (Skinny trucker #2) has been out of cell service and gave me a call the next day. And can we say damaged!!! Even worse than Incident Boy. But it gets even better. They were raised together in Montana in a "community". They stayed friends up to a few years ago due to #2 moving and one of the million seperations of Incident Boy and the.... lets say wedding date. Their wives (not sure current status) were good friends. Well hearing from both on their wives behaviors they were damn good wingmen for each other too.
I must admit with #2 I do get peace. He lives out of town and its a place where I can run away.
He lives out of town. I get there about the time he gets off of work. He has his routine and I just follow. Its quiet, peaceful and somewhere where no one knows that Im there.
When I get there he is around back sitting in a chair on the patio reading a book, Drinking a beer and prolly smoking a cigarette. Its always the same. He looks up and smiles, says Hi, gives me a little kiss as I lean over, he tells me hes dirty and sighs as he gives me another kiss. I ask him if hes tired and he winks and says yes. (its our inside joke, he never misses me if hes tired) I grab a beer and a cigarette and sit down across from him. I put my feet on him he reminds me that hes dirty... wrenchin... I wink and say I dont care. He touches my toe rings and shutters and says he just doesnt get it. He hates my toe rings. We sit in the quiet. He will finish his page set down his book and tease me about how slow I drink my beer. (Someday Im going to sneak a bottle of wine in his fridge... Beer gives me bubbles.) If he has been wrenchin in the shop he is covered in grease and dirt. I usually get a small hug and have to wait till he changes... and I pester him to hurry!!! He loves to torment because the more i beg the bigger his smile gets and the longer it takes. If he has been driving its just sand and I get my hug and cuddle, my kiss on my forehead.
He can cook too. We will cook together and talk and sit on the patio cuddled up and talk and just snuggle. Its so quiet and relaxing I wish it was closer.
He always gets up early for work. I wander in later with his mountain dew. Chat with the shop boys and hang out with "Uncle Dave."
I go there for work usually. I try to find work in the depressed and dying oil town that I was raised in. It just damn depressing to see all the trucks on the fence and the rigs stacked with weed growing through them.
Its funny how where I was raised is where I run for escape. The worst part is I dont tell my family. No one knows.... Just Becky and #2.
I sometimes sneak out in the Pete with him to the patch with a load of sand if it was a pre load for a Frac. (Oil Talk sorry..... go out in the big pink truck with the triangle trailers with sand that they stuff down the hole to make the well produce more.... Pre frac no one is up there.)
But sometimes is not that smooth. His Ex has damaged him, and he is still dealing with that pain and the denial of how damaged he is. Trust is a big issue because she broke it.
This boy is a gold mine of damage that needs "fixing".
Im just not sure if my soul can suffer through being the "recovery girl" for another heartbroken Montana boy.
And for your information I met #2 through his brother. I didnt not know the connection until we talked one night for hours. Its simply a delicate situation but right now till the snow falls on the patio at his house Im going to enjoy it.