those damn skinny pants, cellulite hips and the brownies calling me

Life is still spinning but I am taking the advice of my James... tell them you are getting it done and you will be there.... okay... Also a business associate told me more advice... they need you and so you have the control.... use it!!! The truck pump is STILL not on..... and the truck is needed in Williston... we are getting there.... fuck it!!!
I was going through my jeans and my 7's are sitting there wondering when IM gonna get off my ass and get the muffin top worked off so I can somehow squeeze my running thighs into those god forsaken skinny hot jeans!!!
My legs! you put them in a line up with any hard body and they can hold their own. They are still freaking hot!!! you put me in some heels a baggy top and short shorts and I can cause damage.... yes the baggy top is to cover the brownie induced muffin top...
Im still in a Xanax soothed stress mood.... Im right now listening to wall balls vibrate off my walls downstairs rattling everything hung on the wall in front of me.... lovely. Oh yes the cleaned laundry that is stacked 7 feet tall and ever so close to tumbling on to the dog hair ladened floor.... uckk... Well Brendan is looking for his short pgs and he is just knows is at the bottom of the teetering mass of a weeks worth of laundry.... thank god for xanax or i would be hitting the bottle of vodka in my closet...
Oh yes Brendan did ask how I was holding up today seeing that I broke the container part on my coffee pot. Its ordered... Brendan said "we can make it through mom." Little 11 year old smart ass.
One simple pleasure though is while I was making breakfast ( that did not require milk.... now I remember what I forgot at the store)
I found the book where the wild things are. As we made breakfast I started to read it in the way I read to them when they were very young. AND THEY REMEMBER THE NASHING TEETH AND THE GROWLING!!! There might be hope for them to grow up to be well adjusted children. Maybe, Brendan was sliding on his rear in the team shower yesterday.

Oh yes I talked to SK#2 yesterday.. Second official fight I guess.. I changed my relationship status back to single on facebook....So there!!! Actually I need to change it back I actually changed it so that I could keep distance from co workers and keep myself out of trouble.
Well I got him talking about the Family... and the "community" It simply intriques me. I see visions of the waltons and big love all rolled together. My degree and just simple nosey curiosity keeps me nudging him for info on the little group.
Plus it makes my mother twitch when I mention the type of community he is from. I know its cruel. You know a second wife around wouldnt be bad. She could help out a little, watch the kids when im not here. Heck not a bad idea.... And her payment is half your man... And yesterday I would have gladly handed his skinny, bullheaded ass to someone else in a heart beat.
He was not in agreement to the multiple wife thing. He cannot see why in the hell a man would voluntarily sucum to that kind of punishment times 2, 3 or4 more times.
He did say that if he did stay and marry the first girl to break his heart. He would prolly be living in two sheds with two wives a hell of a lot of kids and making min wage... The girlfriend would have made him get another one. He would be now probably contimplating what the hell because he would have daughters at the age to be married as a second wife to someone else... He said that really grossed him out. And that he would never ever get to see any good lingere.
He said that it would be the thing to do. Now listening to that we are saying how in the hell can we say that is the thing to do? But look at someone who is viewing the primary religion of Utah and how we send our young sons out into the middle of some country to fend for themselves and contract everytype of parasite known to man... because its the thing to do.... Yep made my point. I dont care people will disagree with my rationalization.
I can see the sister hood to it. Your built in Merideth when you are having a yang moment.. (season 6 episode 6 Greys Anatomy)
I saw that sisterhood and dependancy on each other get annialated when Governer Leavitt helped his baby bro out by placing Tom Green to prison and vanquishing each wife to a seperate county accross the state. Two lost the support of their very own sister. Two were left alone with severly disabled children. Each had no education and knowledge of how the world functions. Two were married in their teens only knowing how to be a wife and mother with the support of three other women. Very cruel act indeed. Worse than the actual crime. If someone told me I could not be near my closest and truest girlfriend I would literally fall apart.
Hmmm but right now if there was someone doing my dishes while I was daddling on the computer......priceless.
This morning of course Brendan was in my bed... I laid down next to him last night for but a moment.... at 2 am woke up !!! Damnit I was sneaking out to hang with Net. DAMNIT!! ( Gotta love at 36 years old I am required to ask a 12 year old if I can go down the road to hang with my adult friend while he sleeps, and to get past the 11 year old I have to sneak out... I didnt do any of this shit when I was a teenager!)
Well while he was picking my nose with his huge number one finger that ended up in my bed, with the blankey, redwings blankey, and somewhere sock monkey was in there too.. The other day i woke up cuddling the damn thing. Anyway Ciara found herself a spot inbetween on her back with her tail flopping hitting each of us in the face. Kalin wandered in to be captured under the covers with me.. He tolerates it when I make him cuddle with me. He used to when he was a babe come in and lie with me everyweekend.... Hell I hate them growing up!! That is when we would read books and play with tiny little furry toys in my bed... YEah so when they left and the next night my little toes would come across the furry intruder and give my heart a reason to stop beating.
Jeans and poligamy hmmm Im hitting all the bases today! So Im going to bundle up and go for a run... pray for me!

how do women seriously do it

I hear about these amazing women that hop over the cooperate ladder with babe in one hand and the vacuum in the other. Their nails always done, hair in place... they do it all in complete perfection. Okay so how in the hell do they do it? Do they have family, spouse, or live in something to give them the ability to chase their dreams? Or do they not sleep? It could be that they are a bit more organized, driven and sleep a lot less than me.... Im simply not sure. My two Rifle trips within a week is simply kicking my ass and the potential of another trip Im not to happy about... also I do sell insurance too!!! Then the paperwork, hockey practice, dog walking, dishes, homework, yelling at kids to do the dishes, laundry..... I feel like I have fallen behind and really cannot catch up.. The sprint trips to Colorado are not helping either. Simply put how in the Hell do they do it? I try to grasp everything in my childrens life, my life and any other life that I am now involved in and keep the expectations that they require. Sometimes Im just too damn tired to care. Sometimes its just come and hang out... but the drive down the road is to draining to even want to think of climbing into my car. Now Skinny trucker #2..... I was going to say he doesnt count. Then I remembered my conversation with Bex at dinner (after I turned off my phone damn trucks!) That he to doesnt understand and needs to understand my world... When I get stressed I cant as he would say " I just need to get in my truck and haul heavy shit" First I can only put it in first and reverse, second I dont have a CDL and third Im a mom to two darling boys and one neglected at the moment yellow lab! I have insurance clients, band camp, and contracts and and and and.... simply put how do they do it?
I know organization is valuable.... Im getting there. I know some alone time... I need to start running again and I cant say its to cold... last year I was running in freaking 30 degree weather...INSANE, I know but the cold was a shock to my system and harsh and great. Yes this is the girl that is in a hoodie at 70 degrees. I need to play hockey again.... for my sanity.. Unfortuantly my hips cant take it anymore.
I need to take one day at a time and pace myself and get one job done at a time... I need to duct tape the kids to the wall and get the damn truck to williston where it can go and do and is far enough away where Its a vacation to go visit it... Yes Willistion North Dakota in the winter!!! Any takers?
I need peace, harmony, and a boyfriend in the same town. I need a full time maid.... I need a wife. I need someone that can send off the kids, make dinner and fix the sprinkling system in one day.
I need to simplify. One day at a time... a check list... and chore board like the boys.....
hmmmmm.... right now I just need to sleep.... ;)

hungry boys!!!

As my sons get older my inadequacies become visual. I simply cant cook. My mother was a wonderful cook. Every Sunday we had a roast or steak. My sons reminded me of this one day as we were traveling to hockey practice.
My oldest Kalin "Mom when we were at grandmas she makes a meal every Sunday like your Thanksgiving dinner."
He continues " Oh and what is that white thing you put on the table to make it fancy... you only do it on Christmas."
"Table Cloth?" I replied.
"oh yeah mom!"
My youngest chirps in "Yeah Grandma make potatoes and meat... and lots of stuff on Sunday."
Well this conversation was pretty much putting holes in my Domestic Deva armor... Who am I kidding I dont have a domestic bone in my body. Who likes to cook for two small children and yourself. Especially when one thinks the five basic food groups are ketchup, fry sauce, ranch dressing and whatever you can smother, dip or swim in these.. Anything that would be remotely healthy for him he sits and gags on until I want to wring his neck. Of course at Grandmas house he is the poster child for flawless behavior and superburb table manners. He split personality behavior just gives my mother more ammo in her not so subtle critisism of my parenting, lifestyle, housekeeping...... is there anything else? Oh yes sometimes my hair just falls in my face and that is an annoyance to her also...
Anyway... I cant cook.
I told each of my children that if they promise to each what I cook then I will cook like that. They both agreed. Now the "little one" He is now 87 lbs and bigger than his older brother. He still enjoys reeking havioc on my dinner menu. He doesnt like spaghetti, no sloppy Joes, Navajo tacos YES! But with store bought chili.... What! store bought. Now I can cook chili, steaks, roasts, etc.... and a kickass brown gravy. Its some of the little stuff I cant manage. Then I find out that the sweet thing eats it at his dads!!! Also they are starting to eat alot!!! I used to have left overs or be able to have two meals.
My kids are simply amazing. Sometimes I feel as if I am dragging them through my heart ache and misery and failures. I pride myself in being on my own. I feel as though I if I fail I failed on my own and if I succeed. You bet your ass I did... problem is when I fail the boys fail with me.
But Im a fighter and hopefully my sons can see that and will appreciate the fight that I survived (I hope) for them. The trucks are soo tiring and the economy is killing my insurance.. But it is coming back! Just takes time and I havent been in either long enough to be recession proof..
I just keep fighting and keep my fingers crossed!

Im sick

Here I am sick. I have been feeling iiiiiicccckk for at least a week and it has finally hit. Where am I at? SK#2 house. Nothing better than taking a three hour drive to spend it with someone that is well kinda getting under your skin.... to ending up sleeping and blowing your nose most of the time. I am accepting that he is a red neck. I can deal. If it comes to it I can always dress him. But there are things that I thought that would not matter. He likes it when I wear sundresses. Its to damn cold right now winter I swear just hit in Utah. He appreciates it when I do fix up... Seriously did I just write that!! He appreciates it when I put time into my appearence, which I have always done when I go out there, even at the shop its work related you know! Except for this week I wasnt lookin to hot! I told him I wasnt feeling that great. He was coming out but then had to work, I am suspecting that either the Dispatcher is doing it on purpose or he is putting them up to it... Anyway I showed up in my VS pink weekend lounging outfit. He had asked me on the phone what I was wear out and I told him my vickie secret sweat outfit..
He said "Sweats! Were not married yet!" Aka what the hell we haven't dated that long for you to let yourself go!
But the vickie secret sweat outfit passed inspection, he said kinda sexy cuz the tatoo barely showed over the top of the pants.... the sniffles well he tolerated. Last weekend this is the guy that would rather cut his arms off then snuggle. ( I will give you the speed version of what happened last weekend) I of course snuggled up with my tissues and bottle of tylenol cold and flu.. I figured I could kick this soon.. Ummm no its basically kicking my ass!
I told him sorry when Im sick im kinda clingy. He said he noticed but said its okay. As always he cooked me dinner when I got there. We also hit the small town store for some orange juice and anything else I needed.
Im getting to be known down at the shop. I went down to take him his mountain dew. He leaves early for the shop so I usually take him one down around 10 am and chat with his boss. Boss is gone on the elk hunt so Im actually doing this just for him. The truckers that are there. Give me the smile and how are ya! Most are getting to know who I am "the Friend."
This morning I crawled into the the Berry colored Pete for a trip to get a load of frac sand from Rock springs Wy. Off the sand rail...... Yeah.... I guess for this job they are doing it needs special sand that you get off the railroad cars in Wyoming. Might as well go I can be miserable here or in the back of the 70 inch sleeper.
It was actually a great ride. It took us two hours and one 15 minute nap for me. There isn't a lot of talking when he drives ( oohh that was another hick comment, my mother would kill me!) If you saw the road we were on you would understand. Switchbacks BIG switchbacks that fall off the mountain. Now a big truck doesnt hug the road like a personal vehicle and then there is all of the shifting AND when you are loaded that weight will push against you. We loaded at the railroad place... sorry I am high on cough medicine and cant think of any fancy words... Im lucky to somewhat make sense..
On the way home I crawled in back again and slept for a good hour. This cold is getting worse. Once I got back to his place I curled up on his bed and crashed! He came in and made sure I was covered in the blanket. I wasn't hungry for food so he just let me eat off his plate....( you have admit that is kind of cute) He went and got me more juice and really noticed that I didnt feel good at all. He was teasing me about my laziness but when he gave me a hug he told me that I didnt look like I felt very well at all.

Its the little things I would always think. Novell boy would always sneak in his daughter's good shampoo and conditioner into his bathroom when I would shower and also a towel. He would leave me a glass of water and some ibuprofen on the side of my bed when he knew I was going to have a rough morning. There were so many little things with him but they never produced into one BIG thing.
Incident boy made me breakfast when I came over one morning. Okay he is just another story....
The little things need to mean something and each person does something different to mean that they care. Novell boy cared we both loved each other but it just was not our thing to be together.

Also to update you I spent last weekend with Skinny trucker boy too... Last Saturday night he called. He missed me and he admitted it. We had discussed him coming out on friday. But it didnt happen. One of life stresses he had encountered was his truck was stolen. He is with out wheels until police reports, insurance papers. Seriously does he make this stuff up? He was leaving for 90 days... I will repeat that for 90 days! What am I to do? He asked me simply to come out to see him. He texted me some interesting reasons why I should come and see him. (not bad for a polygamist boy from montana) So I threw a bag together and traveled the almost three hours to see him. I must admit that I almost turned around. I wanted to know that i matter to someone. Not surface, but to know that you matter to someone. After about an hour of driving cussing myself for allowing a boy to make me vulnerable and weak I continued on. He called close to my destination to check and see if I was okay. He could tell that I was annoyed. I am still not sure why I was, possibly because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him.
After traveling in the dark through deer infested roads I made it. I walked around back and he hugged me tight and kissed me hard. Alright that makes the long ass drive okay. He just stood there and hugged me. He whispered a thank you in my ear and continued to hold me.
I wont lie and say that it was the best weekend ever. I mean it was great but the nagging thought that I wont see him for over 90 days and the other nagging thought if I truly mattered. Pretty much just garbage in my head from the damage caused by incident boy. He was supposed to be leaving for three months.. Seriously I think him and the dispatcher are doing it on purpose. While I was there (Im giving you the short man story version) we had the do I matter talk... I was bugged that he was doing something. Problably not acknowledging my presence enough, giving me the attention that I was demanding so that I wouldn't feel like an insecure school girl who was following her boyfriend around like a sick puppy. No matter who I talk to we end up doing this.
Okay... as we are wandering around the store in frozen food aisle I ask him if I matter.. Huh? He says yes and continues to try to remember why we came over to the store in the first place.. Once again arms folded in his face I asked "Do I matter?"
He looks at me and says softly " Yes. you do."
"Why didnt you snuggle me? Game on and Im itching for a fight.
He responded " I hate to snuggle, I would rather cut my arms off then snuggle! I came in loved on you for a minute isnt that enough?"
I thought about it.... I guess so... I guess it really was. He came in and checked on me kissed me for a bit and did lay his head on my chest. I had gone in to lie down for a minute and wanted him to come in also last week.
So this weekend we moved to the we are dating status.... this doesn't really do anything just gives me a different name rather than "the girl." Actually some of the guys are getting to know my name... Maybe I need to stop hanging out as much.
Dennis told me this afternoon that he didnt recognize me when I got out of the truck. I will take that as a compliment. I had a ball cap a huge hoodie, sneakers and my comfiest jeans that are on the verge of coming undone at the ass... And my tissues....
I guess he knows me at my worst... well almost... I sure hope I didnt get him sick too..