About Me

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Simply Im a mom trying to suffer through life trials and set backs with a smile on my face and a new outlook on life! Being a single mom in utah and owning a tractor trailer has really made my life interesting... And lets not forget dating in your 30's that could drive anyone insane! Therapy is needed so I have decided to blog... maybe through humor, tears and strength we can all pull through..

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

emotional hiccup... lets just all catch up

Well I havent written for a while. Maybe I should have. I basically checked out of life between thanksgiving and Christmas. I looked at an earlier post that I did not post. I will after this one. I didnt realize how emotionally destitute I was. It proves that there is hope and that situations will change with hope. While sitting here and writing this my phone pinged with an email. Funny from Heather Madder....amazing personal life coach and person. It is titled how to heal from previous relationships. Well I didnt need that at all...
I was pouting last night over the kids testing my patience EVERY night over the routine that they have been practicing for 5 Years. Simple, brush teeth, pjs, and bed by 9:30. Why question EVERY NIGHT and wonder why I am grumpy.
Just like the towel in the bathroom... HANG IT UP!!! I have used tough love lately when they had to dry off with a hand towel. I refused to give them a towel until they learned to hang it up. Mind you they are 11 and 13. We are not talking about toddlers here... well physically.
They learned pretty quick to aim after cleaning the toilets, floor, shower curtain. So far I havent tripped over a towel this week.

After Christmas I threw my life in the air and said fix it... The universe and God have taken hold. As long as I dont send road blocks in my path my life is drifting in a more positive direction. My roadblocks are stubbornness, hate, laziness, fear, and being uncomfortable, trying something new..
I am shutting down the truck. It breaks my heart, but its a dark industry. Without Jed, or skinny trucker #2 protecting me. I cant compete. I dont want to compete, its a dark, dog devour dog world and I dont want to become a vicious, blood thirsty pit bull that has to watch their back.
The other "changes" the universe has enforced for me... My Tahoe totaled, replaced with a 1994 chevy pick up..... lets not go there right now.... new opportunity in a job with endless possibilities, I am excited about it. I also feel a bit of failure because its a failure to work for someone else? Yet there will be a distinct separation between work and home in which I have not had for years. Funny how deep down you ask and you receive.
I cut my hair... 12 inches donated....
Love? ha ha nope... I found myself craving someone that I had years ago. I was thinking why didnt it work out? could have it worked out? I could have been content....
Content... wow that word came out and whacked me across the face. Is that just a pretty word for settling? Is that a bad thing? Well funny how the universe works... as I was contemplating why it wouldnt be so bad to be content with someone I was with for 3 years. Its wasn't a tragic relationship. It was actually very nice, comfortable... (that is another warning word also) but after 3 years fireworks have to simmer down or you will kill yourself from pure exhaustion.
Then last night I received a text from the person. Yep, I pray it was a drunk text...because it was not appropriate, seething with jealousy, and questioning my dedication. Ummm hello I was not the one that couldn't step up to the plate. Interesting how simple reminders lately pass before me.
My cute trucker boy #2. He is absolutely the sweetest, kindest, royal pain in the ass that I know. I honestly love him.. but in a true friendship kind of way. I have wondered if we could make it work in an unconventional kind of way. He detests the city. I would shrivel in the country. Yet he is just soothing. His voice, his encouragement. His innocence in a way is a huge turn on for me. He is simplicity... he is who I would have been with if I had stayed in the little town. When he tells me I'm a royal pain in the ass. He gave me a purpose. I gave him an attitude, confidence, I created a monster to a point... He came out the "the city" with his new boss. I was their tour guide while they tried to add an MC # to their USDOT #... Yeah trucker stuff. They took me to lunch and he still even in public... let me eat off his plate. During Christmas, I went and hung out with him, absolutely perfect, quiet, laying on his chest watching a cowboy movie...and he had beer! My parents place is dry!
Unfortunately the X wife had hindered his mood by not allowing him to see his daughter. That is my biggest pet peeve, women that use the children as a ploy.. anyway that is another blog in its self.
After years of listening to Bex telling me that my self worth is higher than I can even imagine, I am starting to believe her. Unfortunately it took another cheer leader on my side lines to make me truly believe those words.
My new recruit to the "Erin is that amazing" campaign is a friend that I truly value their opinion. He is the firm hand that to a point adores me.
I have an email on my phone I look at it everyday to enforce the new attitude. It says "extremely beautiful."
It is the ego boost that I need every morning to carry myself through out the day... I look at it as an overall description of what and how everything should be.. extremely beautiful.
He is the ego boost to the max! He is defiantly on the keeper in the friend factor.
He is always asking why someone as beautiful, amazing, successful as I has not been snatched up. Obviously him being married forever from the age of 20 he has not had to tiptoe through the gooo of singlehood and taste the biter bite of dating.
He told me that if I put my mind to it I could be with someone by the weekend. Oh I am sure of that but would it be healthy... nope... oh wait didn't I do that already? Yeah skinny trucker #1. Oh yeah that went really well...
Gotta love the advice marrieds give to singles.

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