strength... I wrote it 12-6-2009 didnt post..should have

Im not sure where it comes from but Im hoping to salvage some soon. The attitude in keeping my head up and working hard is getting to be somewhat of a huge challenge. Doors of opportunity are being slammed left and right the only door that opens seems to be at the foot of some steep knarly stairs that I seem to trip and fall down constantly. Right now im just a heap of battered emotions and the lost will to continue in the path that I have been so headstrong to continue on.
Yes this is a pity party! Exhaustion and self doubt continually leads me in this direction. I am not sure how to detour myself off this path the rocks and roadblocks hinder me to accomplishing my goal... its a simple goal to suceed enough to clothe and feed my children no biggie. Yes the escalade, mercades and the big house with the full time housekeeper and chef would be pretty damn cool. Right now just to keep the kids fed and clothed would be the kicker for me.
I was able to rest at my parent during thanksgiving. Actually it was an escape from all of the stressors pressing on my mind. I almost considered not leaving. Im still considering going back and telling anyone. Just hop in my car in my favorite vickie secret velour... pack my jeans that fit me a hoodie and toothbrush. Instant new life. Secret life..well kinda except everyone knows me and so it wouldnt be soo soo secret. My mom was great in a way she was like when i was small. She gave me the quiet support that I have been craving for years. Like tender hugs and soft strokes on my hair like when I was a little girl. Not judgements not harping no critical comments on my lifestyle. I am sure that she sensed that I was to fragile to even take a critic so small as to put away your glass...
Tomorrow is the 7th.. happy, sad. Skinny trucker boy and my first date was the 7th 5 months ago. It was the day my friend died too. happy, Sad.