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Simply Im a mom trying to suffer through life trials and set backs with a smile on my face and a new outlook on life! Being a single mom in utah and owning a tractor trailer has really made my life interesting... And lets not forget dating in your 30's that could drive anyone insane! Therapy is needed so I have decided to blog... maybe through humor, tears and strength we can all pull through..

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Im sick

Here I am sick. I have been feeling iiiiiicccckk for at least a week and it has finally hit. Where am I at? SK#2 house. Nothing better than taking a three hour drive to spend it with someone that is well kinda getting under your skin.... to ending up sleeping and blowing your nose most of the time. I am accepting that he is a red neck. I can deal. If it comes to it I can always dress him. But there are things that I thought that would not matter. He likes it when I wear sundresses. Its to damn cold right now winter I swear just hit in Utah. He appreciates it when I do fix up... Seriously did I just write that!! He appreciates it when I put time into my appearence, which I have always done when I go out there, even at the shop its work related you know! Except for this week I wasnt lookin to hot! I told him I wasnt feeling that great. He was coming out but then had to work, I am suspecting that either the Dispatcher is doing it on purpose or he is putting them up to it... Anyway I showed up in my VS pink weekend lounging outfit. He had asked me on the phone what I was wear out and I told him my vickie secret sweat outfit..
He said "Sweats! Were not married yet!" Aka what the hell we haven't dated that long for you to let yourself go!
But the vickie secret sweat outfit passed inspection, he said kinda sexy cuz the tatoo barely showed over the top of the pants.... the sniffles well he tolerated. Last weekend this is the guy that would rather cut his arms off then snuggle. ( I will give you the speed version of what happened last weekend) I of course snuggled up with my tissues and bottle of tylenol cold and flu.. I figured I could kick this soon.. Ummm no its basically kicking my ass!
I told him sorry when Im sick im kinda clingy. He said he noticed but said its okay. As always he cooked me dinner when I got there. We also hit the small town store for some orange juice and anything else I needed.
Im getting to be known down at the shop. I went down to take him his mountain dew. He leaves early for the shop so I usually take him one down around 10 am and chat with his boss. Boss is gone on the elk hunt so Im actually doing this just for him. The truckers that are there. Give me the smile and how are ya! Most are getting to know who I am "the Friend."
This morning I crawled into the the Berry colored Pete for a trip to get a load of frac sand from Rock springs Wy. Off the sand rail...... Yeah.... I guess for this job they are doing it needs special sand that you get off the railroad cars in Wyoming. Might as well go I can be miserable here or in the back of the 70 inch sleeper.
It was actually a great ride. It took us two hours and one 15 minute nap for me. There isn't a lot of talking when he drives ( oohh that was another hick comment, my mother would kill me!) If you saw the road we were on you would understand. Switchbacks BIG switchbacks that fall off the mountain. Now a big truck doesnt hug the road like a personal vehicle and then there is all of the shifting AND when you are loaded that weight will push against you. We loaded at the railroad place... sorry I am high on cough medicine and cant think of any fancy words... Im lucky to somewhat make sense..
On the way home I crawled in back again and slept for a good hour. This cold is getting worse. Once I got back to his place I curled up on his bed and crashed! He came in and made sure I was covered in the blanket. I wasn't hungry for food so he just let me eat off his plate....( you have admit that is kind of cute) He went and got me more juice and really noticed that I didnt feel good at all. He was teasing me about my laziness but when he gave me a hug he told me that I didnt look like I felt very well at all.

Its the little things I would always think. Novell boy would always sneak in his daughter's good shampoo and conditioner into his bathroom when I would shower and also a towel. He would leave me a glass of water and some ibuprofen on the side of my bed when he knew I was going to have a rough morning. There were so many little things with him but they never produced into one BIG thing.
Incident boy made me breakfast when I came over one morning. Okay he is just another story....
The little things need to mean something and each person does something different to mean that they care. Novell boy cared we both loved each other but it just was not our thing to be together.

Also to update you I spent last weekend with Skinny trucker boy too... Last Saturday night he called. He missed me and he admitted it. We had discussed him coming out on friday. But it didnt happen. One of life stresses he had encountered was his truck was stolen. He is with out wheels until police reports, insurance papers. Seriously does he make this stuff up? He was leaving for 90 days... I will repeat that for 90 days! What am I to do? He asked me simply to come out to see him. He texted me some interesting reasons why I should come and see him. (not bad for a polygamist boy from montana) So I threw a bag together and traveled the almost three hours to see him. I must admit that I almost turned around. I wanted to know that i matter to someone. Not surface, but to know that you matter to someone. After about an hour of driving cussing myself for allowing a boy to make me vulnerable and weak I continued on. He called close to my destination to check and see if I was okay. He could tell that I was annoyed. I am still not sure why I was, possibly because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him.
After traveling in the dark through deer infested roads I made it. I walked around back and he hugged me tight and kissed me hard. Alright that makes the long ass drive okay. He just stood there and hugged me. He whispered a thank you in my ear and continued to hold me.
I wont lie and say that it was the best weekend ever. I mean it was great but the nagging thought that I wont see him for over 90 days and the other nagging thought if I truly mattered. Pretty much just garbage in my head from the damage caused by incident boy. He was supposed to be leaving for three months.. Seriously I think him and the dispatcher are doing it on purpose. While I was there (Im giving you the short man story version) we had the do I matter talk... I was bugged that he was doing something. Problably not acknowledging my presence enough, giving me the attention that I was demanding so that I wouldn't feel like an insecure school girl who was following her boyfriend around like a sick puppy. No matter who I talk to we end up doing this.
Okay... as we are wandering around the store in frozen food aisle I ask him if I matter.. Huh? He says yes and continues to try to remember why we came over to the store in the first place.. Once again arms folded in his face I asked "Do I matter?"
He looks at me and says softly " Yes. you do."
"Why didnt you snuggle me? Game on and Im itching for a fight.
He responded " I hate to snuggle, I would rather cut my arms off then snuggle! I came in loved on you for a minute isnt that enough?"
I thought about it.... I guess so... I guess it really was. He came in and checked on me kissed me for a bit and did lay his head on my chest. I had gone in to lie down for a minute and wanted him to come in also last week.
So this weekend we moved to the we are dating status.... this doesn't really do anything just gives me a different name rather than "the girl." Actually some of the guys are getting to know my name... Maybe I need to stop hanging out as much.
Dennis told me this afternoon that he didnt recognize me when I got out of the truck. I will take that as a compliment. I had a ball cap a huge hoodie, sneakers and my comfiest jeans that are on the verge of coming undone at the ass... And my tissues....
I guess he knows me at my worst... well almost... I sure hope I didnt get him sick too..

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