but honest my crazed mother threw away my homework

Good Morning world,

I am wondering if I should just stop the fight I have in the mornings between 4 am and 5 am... Should I just get up and start the day in the dead of night? Well it is to me. I hate waking up in the cold dark early morning. I leave my top shades open so that in the mornings the light is looming in my room.. By the time 6 something comes around I feel as if I have not slept. Which I have not. I do not have a REM sleep.. I never shut down long enough to rest. It sucks.

Also I have a hard time falling asleep which turns into me decluttering or rearranging an area in the home.. Hense comes the title. Scribbles of their homework or bits and pieces of supposed homework scattered across the floor, I assume that it is destined as scratch paper or needs to be thrown into the trash.. That is my assumption of random papers on my family room floor. They are left right in the traffic path for paw prints and high heel marks. If they were of any importance wouldn't you think that you would keep them in your back pack that should be in the hall closet? Not randomly tossed on the floor of course in the path of their mother. All of their contents spreading out even further as the dog, mom, brother and long board passes, trips and falls over. Yes I said long board. They are looming in the hallway waiting for me to forget and wander into my living room in the dark and fall to my doom. I know it is a quiet plan of the boys to teach me a lesson because Im constantly nagging their ass...

Basically Brendan shreaked as he was sluggishly lounging around the house sllllloooooowwwly getting his clothes on, he needed his spelling homework. Well in the wee hours of 1 am I was washing off counters and clearing of the kitchen table.. A random piece of paper was doomed for the garbage... I wrote a note explaining that he did the homework but I assumed it did not need to be handed in.. He has this way of pouting and fighting at the same time that pretty much makes me crazed. Its a pissy little attitude whine that one day he is going to knocked flying. Its a self serving attitude that I have the honor of hearing every morning because he cant find his shoes... oh yeah they got kicking into the corner so i could walk or I put them away...Amazing!! They say that if you do it 24 times its a habit? Well then its been 6 years when are they gonna get it...... note... I haven't picked up a towel since the had to drip dry....Amazing what a little tough love will do. I havent replaced a shower curtain due to urine stains since they have scrubbed the yellow marks off the floor, wall, picture, ceiling, garbage can...... Its amazing how fast they can aim when they are on their knees every day cleaning up their own mishaps!

Yes Im a bitch of a mom but children were not placed on this earth to be served. They are hear to be taught, guided, and to be loved. I can bitch alot over the little stuff but last night was simply great. I was making the most amazing chicken faghitas, while my youngest decided to make the most amazing bad ass cookies. My other son finishing his homework and set the table. It was great just a little bit of assisatnce and the cookies were baking, the fagitas were on the table, my oldest knew while I was grabbing the supplies out of the fridge to stir what was on the oven.. After dinner, the dishes were being done, stuff put back in the fridge, and homework getting finished. They are a great help and very hard workers. I am proud of the fact that at 13 and 11, they can cook basic meals, do laundry, and put away clothes. Not alot of other kids now days can say that!!!

happy race day!!

This was from Valentines loved it why didnt I post it... Funny thing that happened that night... next post

Thank god for small miracles. Daytona 500 is on black 14. Thank goodness. And my driver Bowyer is in the lead! Yes one man in my life knows how to make me happy. I am also thinking that the facial hair on Dale Jr is not accomidating to my fantasies... Its a no go in the sexy scene. Today starts my man fast. Last night I hung out with my dear friend Mikey. After and indepth conversation in the trials of dating.... such as going out and finding that right guy, the germ lingering on surfaces and body parts that we def DO NOT WANT TO CATCH.. K Mikey has just made me an official germaphobe . After that conversation and the News about fountain drinks... I will never touch a man or a diet coke on tap!!!

Im thinking a man fast isnt a bad thing. Its like a body cleanse.. for the mind and the body. This sabbatical from the desires of the flesh will allow me to gain control of my emotions and also regain my game so that I can toy with the simple creatures call men.. Yes simple creatures. They are easily read if you can keep your wits about you. They are creatures like us all that are driven by need.. Its our job as the dominate playa to toy them and pursuit the other person into realizing what they want is simply me.. Yes its evil and devilish but realistically in the war of love, dating and simple emotional survival in da love game, power is survival.. Heck check out MSN its all about being da playa!!!

Right now I am getting pure excitement watching the Cheerios car going roundy roundy in the lead. The simple pleasures of NASCAR... go fast and turn left. Bowyer is in the lead, there is a red flag that we can burn up some laps on...Oh life is good right now.. Simplicity.

Also this is the best...http://www.mycokerewards.com/showLBE.do?skinType=pillar&id=nascar&size=3

gerbils, dogs and the glory of it all

Some how I have ended up with two gerbils in my care while my two children are in colorado with their father. Now after the hamster debacle I enlisted a new rules to the household. No rodents. With our history of keeping small creatures in cages is well bets are that they will be lost indefinitely... soon. Problem is like the last time the smell of death loomed in the home for a very long time... Basically I choked on the hideous smell till I tormented and bribed two friends to come and suck all the vents out with their special vacuum. I would have considered sexual favors also to lure my friends and their handy dandy vacuum. Yet threats of man hood being ripped off and tears and BEER did the trick! the stench was beyond any type smell that I could endure. Mind you I am a mother of two boys who play hockey.

Plus these little critters run and bite. The kids warned me that the boy bites... okay... which one is the boy... Also while I was carefully feeding these potential doggie treats....he he Ciara has been staring them down. I dumped the spoonful of critter food all over... Joyous!!

I liked the snakes.. they didnt bite, they would lay down and "cuddle' well they did. Larry would curl up in my cleavage at night while I read my school work. The other would slither a bit more but he would curl around my neck and hang.

The dog.. she is to small to loose and will return home for treats. She doesn't fit in any holes or couch cushions. That is the only reason she is a survivor in this house. So here I am stuck in this home with rodents and a dog. My kids are gone to Colorado for a hockey tournament. I hate it. I get tormented with no human contact. No interaction with anyone one other than the Big lab on my feet.. My mind wanders and torments me of what ifs and who knows. I really hate it... I have been pursuing a sales job. Anything that will give me consistency and stability. If I have that in one part of my life then I will not feel the need to have it in my personal life. Personal life... I am becoming a hermit. I really am becoming one with absolutely no toleration for other humans. My ego boosting friend got FOOK off the other day. Dont try to understand me when your life experiences have not even come close to mine. Also I am sure there is a bit of some type of social disorder wrapped up in my personality to make me even more un understandable for the rational types... Un understandable is english in my world.

My cute little trucker got the same fook off too.. Like I said there is only room with one drama queen in my relationships,... HELLO its already been filled. His is a bit more serious.. I just cant do it so I have hardened myself to the possibilities of what will come in the future... When I lean towards The original skinny trucker dude for comfort and guidance you know its bad!!!

My little trucker threw out the L word on the 7th day of February. #7 was the day of the death of a friend and our 7th month anniversary of dating... love hate the 7. But even better the 9 the day they recovered my friends body.... and they day my trucker pleaded with me to not allow him to be buried in Montana... WTF..... now it was a lot worse on the 9th.. Hes sick hes swollen to the size of a pregnant woman prolly 5 months on his thin ass frame... His organs are strained. And hes not going to get treatment. WTF I refuse to allow someone to torture me by allowing themselves to die. It was heartbreaking and my survival skills came out in full force. I told him after I begged him to get help to FUCK OFF AND DIE..... or pull your head out and survive...

Two days later from the pressure on his stomach cavity he got some treatment. His liver is producing fluid. Its a slow death not a speedy one and luckily discomfort overwhelmed him... Point for me.. Now can I tolerate him with out him drinking? I am not sure... I will support and encourage him but him sober, its going to be a challenge.

So then I enlisted the comfort of my original trucker. Interesting how that happens... Well they grew up together, lived close to each other and their cheating wives hung out together. He told me the truth on the heavy drinking that they did together. Hes just the lucky bastard that prolly has some underlying condition that hosed him.

My friend told me to envision my life how I want it.. I am I am trying smooth life of happiness and love... oh it sounds like a fairy tale... I am sure the fairy tale would also have misery. My ego friend is in his own misery. Well we control our misery so put up and shut up or get out... I informed him just before the Fook off that hes not that miserable cuz he still married, still in his perfect home, perfect life, perfect wife (shes beautiful.) Then told him to fix it or quit the bleeding and get out...

Those desires for someone to care for me are sort of there... I am more powerful than I have been in a long time. Due to the hate for men and the stupidity of them all... My man from years ago... computer boy... the one that still knows me completely.. Said the most significant thing in the 4 years I have known him.. He said that its harder to manage being in a relationship than being alone. Maybe its easier for a woman to manage a relationship than a man. The man has to work more to manage the woman.. Okay it makes complete sense... He is supposed to be the man, the strong arms, the gentle shoulder... and they women he has had in his life....well have baggage. But he is not the easiest critter to deal with easier. I still think if he would just relent, give up, give himself to me completely share his stuff. We would be happy......I just want to curl up next to him... And he was the only man who liked the snakes....

strength... I wrote it 12-6-2009 didnt post..should have

Im not sure where it comes from but Im hoping to salvage some soon. The attitude in keeping my head up and working hard is getting to be somewhat of a huge challenge. Doors of opportunity are being slammed left and right the only door that opens seems to be at the foot of some steep knarly stairs that I seem to trip and fall down constantly. Right now im just a heap of battered emotions and the lost will to continue in the path that I have been so headstrong to continue on.
Yes this is a pity party! Exhaustion and self doubt continually leads me in this direction. I am not sure how to detour myself off this path the rocks and roadblocks hinder me to accomplishing my goal... its a simple goal to suceed enough to clothe and feed my children no biggie. Yes the escalade, mercades and the big house with the full time housekeeper and chef would be pretty damn cool. Right now just to keep the kids fed and clothed would be the kicker for me.
I was able to rest at my parent during thanksgiving. Actually it was an escape from all of the stressors pressing on my mind. I almost considered not leaving. Im still considering going back and telling anyone. Just hop in my car in my favorite vickie secret velour... pack my jeans that fit me a hoodie and toothbrush. Instant new life. Secret life..well kinda except everyone knows me and so it wouldnt be soo soo secret. My mom was great in a way she was like when i was small. She gave me the quiet support that I have been craving for years. Like tender hugs and soft strokes on my hair like when I was a little girl. Not judgements not harping no critical comments on my lifestyle. I am sure that she sensed that I was to fragile to even take a critic so small as to put away your glass...
Tomorrow is the 7th.. happy, sad. Skinny trucker boy and my first date was the 7th 5 months ago. It was the day my friend died too. happy, Sad.

emotional hiccup... lets just all catch up

Well I havent written for a while. Maybe I should have. I basically checked out of life between thanksgiving and Christmas. I looked at an earlier post that I did not post. I will after this one. I didnt realize how emotionally destitute I was. It proves that there is hope and that situations will change with hope. While sitting here and writing this my phone pinged with an email. Funny from Heather Madder....amazing personal life coach and person. It is titled how to heal from previous relationships. Well I didnt need that at all...

I was pouting last night over the kids testing my patience EVERY night over the routine that they have been practicing for 5 Years. Simple, brush teeth, pjs, and bed by 9:30. Why question EVERY NIGHT and wonder why I am grumpy.

Just like the towel in the bathroom... HANG IT UP!!! I have used tough love lately when they had to dry off with a hand towel. I refused to give them a towel until they learned to hang it up. Mind you they are 11 and 13. We are not talking about toddlers here... well physically.

They learned pretty quick to aim after cleaning the toilets, floor, shower curtain. So far I havent tripped over a towel this week.

After Christmas I threw my life in the air and said fix it... The universe and God have taken hold. As long as I dont send road blocks in my path my life is drifting in a more positive direction. My roadblocks are stubbornness, hate, laziness, fear, and being uncomfortable, trying something new..

I am shutting down the truck. It breaks my heart, but its a dark industry. Without Jed, or skinny trucker #2 protecting me. I cant compete. I dont want to compete, its a dark, dog devour dog world and I dont want to become a vicious, blood thirsty pit bull that has to watch their back.

The other "changes" the universe has enforced for me... My Tahoe totaled, replaced with a 1994 chevy pick up..... lets not go there right now.... new opportunity in a job with endless possibilities, I am excited about it. I also feel a bit of failure because its a failure to work for someone else? Yet there will be a distinct separation between work and home in which I have not had for years. Funny how deep down you ask and you receive.

I cut my hair... 12 inches donated....

Love? ha ha nope... I found myself craving someone that I had years ago. I was thinking why didnt it work out? could have it worked out? I could have been content....

Content... wow that word came out and whacked me across the face. Is that just a pretty word for settling? Is that a bad thing? Well funny how the universe works... as I was contemplating why it wouldnt be so bad to be content with someone I was with for 3 years. Its wasn't a tragic relationship. It was actually very nice, comfortable... (that is another warning word also) but after 3 years fireworks have to simmer down or you will kill yourself from pure exhaustion.

Then last night I received a text from the person. Yep, I pray it was a drunk text...because it was not appropriate, seething with jealousy, and questioning my dedication. Ummm hello I was not the one that couldn't step up to the plate. Interesting how simple reminders lately pass before me.

My cute trucker boy #2. He is absolutely the sweetest, kindest, royal pain in the ass that I know. I honestly love him.. but in a true friendship kind of way. I have wondered if we could make it work in an unconventional kind of way. He detests the city. I would shrivel in the country. Yet he is just soothing. His voice, his encouragement. His innocence in a way is a huge turn on for me. He is simplicity... he is who I would have been with if I had stayed in the little town. When he tells me I'm a royal pain in the ass. He gave me a purpose. I gave him an attitude, confidence, I created a monster to a point... He came out the "the city" with his new boss. I was their tour guide while they tried to add an MC # to their USDOT #... Yeah trucker stuff. They took me to lunch and he still even in public... let me eat off his plate. During Christmas, I went and hung out with him, absolutely perfect, quiet, laying on his chest watching a cowboy movie...and he had beer! My parents place is dry!

Unfortunately the X wife had hindered his mood by not allowing him to see his daughter. That is my biggest pet peeve, women that use the children as a ploy.. anyway that is another blog in its self.

After years of listening to Bex telling me that my self worth is higher than I can even imagine, I am starting to believe her. Unfortunately it took another cheer leader on my side lines to make me truly believe those words.

My new recruit to the "Erin is that amazing" campaign is a friend that I truly value their opinion. He is the firm hand that to a point adores me.

I have an email on my phone I look at it everyday to enforce the new attitude. It says "extremely beautiful."

It is the ego boost that I need every morning to carry myself through out the day... I look at it as an overall description of what and how everything should be.. extremely beautiful.

He is the ego boost to the max! He is defiantly on the keeper in the friend factor.

He is always asking why someone as beautiful, amazing, successful as I has not been snatched up. Obviously him being married forever from the age of 20 he has not had to tiptoe through the gooo of singlehood and taste the biter bite of dating.

He told me that if I put my mind to it I could be with someone by the weekend. Oh I am sure of that but would it be healthy... nope... oh wait didn't I do that already? Yeah skinny trucker #1. Oh yeah that went really well...

Gotta love the advice marrieds give to singles.

those damn skinny pants, cellulite hips and the brownies calling me

Life is still spinning but I am taking the advice of my James... tell them you are getting it done and you will be there.... okay... Also a business associate told me more advice... they need you and so you have the control.... use it!!! The truck pump is STILL not on..... and the truck is needed in Williston... we are getting there.... fuck it!!!
I was going through my jeans and my 7's are sitting there wondering when IM gonna get off my ass and get the muffin top worked off so I can somehow squeeze my running thighs into those god forsaken skinny hot jeans!!!
My legs! you put them in a line up with any hard body and they can hold their own. They are still freaking hot!!! you put me in some heels a baggy top and short shorts and I can cause damage.... yes the baggy top is to cover the brownie induced muffin top...
Im still in a Xanax soothed stress mood.... Im right now listening to wall balls vibrate off my walls downstairs rattling everything hung on the wall in front of me.... lovely. Oh yes the cleaned laundry that is stacked 7 feet tall and ever so close to tumbling on to the dog hair ladened floor.... uckk... Well Brendan is looking for his short pgs and he is just knows is at the bottom of the teetering mass of a weeks worth of laundry.... thank god for xanax or i would be hitting the bottle of vodka in my closet...
Oh yes Brendan did ask how I was holding up today seeing that I broke the container part on my coffee pot. Its ordered... Brendan said "we can make it through mom." Little 11 year old smart ass.
One simple pleasure though is while I was making breakfast ( that did not require milk.... now I remember what I forgot at the store)
I found the book where the wild things are. As we made breakfast I started to read it in the way I read to them when they were very young. AND THEY REMEMBER THE NASHING TEETH AND THE GROWLING!!! There might be hope for them to grow up to be well adjusted children. Maybe, Brendan was sliding on his rear in the team shower yesterday.

Oh yes I talked to SK#2 yesterday.. Second official fight I guess.. I changed my relationship status back to single on facebook....So there!!! Actually I need to change it back I actually changed it so that I could keep distance from co workers and keep myself out of trouble.
Well I got him talking about the Family... and the "community" It simply intriques me. I see visions of the waltons and big love all rolled together. My degree and just simple nosey curiosity keeps me nudging him for info on the little group.
Plus it makes my mother twitch when I mention the type of community he is from. I know its cruel. You know a second wife around wouldnt be bad. She could help out a little, watch the kids when im not here. Heck not a bad idea.... And her payment is half your man... And yesterday I would have gladly handed his skinny, bullheaded ass to someone else in a heart beat.
He was not in agreement to the multiple wife thing. He cannot see why in the hell a man would voluntarily sucum to that kind of punishment times 2, 3 or4 more times.
He did say that if he did stay and marry the first girl to break his heart. He would prolly be living in two sheds with two wives a hell of a lot of kids and making min wage... The girlfriend would have made him get another one. He would be now probably contimplating what the hell because he would have daughters at the age to be married as a second wife to someone else... He said that really grossed him out. And that he would never ever get to see any good lingere.
He said that it would be the thing to do. Now listening to that we are saying how in the hell can we say that is the thing to do? But look at someone who is viewing the primary religion of Utah and how we send our young sons out into the middle of some country to fend for themselves and contract everytype of parasite known to man... because its the thing to do.... Yep made my point. I dont care people will disagree with my rationalization.
I can see the sister hood to it. Your built in Merideth when you are having a yang moment.. (season 6 episode 6 Greys Anatomy)
I saw that sisterhood and dependancy on each other get annialated when Governer Leavitt helped his baby bro out by placing Tom Green to prison and vanquishing each wife to a seperate county accross the state. Two lost the support of their very own sister. Two were left alone with severly disabled children. Each had no education and knowledge of how the world functions. Two were married in their teens only knowing how to be a wife and mother with the support of three other women. Very cruel act indeed. Worse than the actual crime. If someone told me I could not be near my closest and truest girlfriend I would literally fall apart.
Hmmm but right now if there was someone doing my dishes while I was daddling on the computer......priceless.
This morning of course Brendan was in my bed... I laid down next to him last night for but a moment.... at 2 am woke up !!! Damnit I was sneaking out to hang with Net. DAMNIT!! ( Gotta love at 36 years old I am required to ask a 12 year old if I can go down the road to hang with my adult friend while he sleeps, and to get past the 11 year old I have to sneak out... I didnt do any of this shit when I was a teenager!)
Well while he was picking my nose with his huge number one finger that ended up in my bed, with the blankey, redwings blankey, and somewhere sock monkey was in there too.. The other day i woke up cuddling the damn thing. Anyway Ciara found herself a spot inbetween on her back with her tail flopping hitting each of us in the face. Kalin wandered in to be captured under the covers with me.. He tolerates it when I make him cuddle with me. He used to when he was a babe come in and lie with me everyweekend.... Hell I hate them growing up!! That is when we would read books and play with tiny little furry toys in my bed... YEah so when they left and the next night my little toes would come across the furry intruder and give my heart a reason to stop beating.
Jeans and poligamy hmmm Im hitting all the bases today! So Im going to bundle up and go for a run... pray for me!

how do women seriously do it

I hear about these amazing women that hop over the cooperate ladder with babe in one hand and the vacuum in the other. Their nails always done, hair in place... they do it all in complete perfection. Okay so how in the hell do they do it? Do they have family, spouse, or live in something to give them the ability to chase their dreams? Or do they not sleep? It could be that they are a bit more organized, driven and sleep a lot less than me.... Im simply not sure. My two Rifle trips within a week is simply kicking my ass and the potential of another trip Im not to happy about... also I do sell insurance too!!! Then the paperwork, hockey practice, dog walking, dishes, homework, yelling at kids to do the dishes, laundry..... I feel like I have fallen behind and really cannot catch up.. The sprint trips to Colorado are not helping either. Simply put how in the Hell do they do it? I try to grasp everything in my childrens life, my life and any other life that I am now involved in and keep the expectations that they require. Sometimes Im just too damn tired to care. Sometimes its just come and hang out... but the drive down the road is to draining to even want to think of climbing into my car. Now Skinny trucker #2..... I was going to say he doesnt count. Then I remembered my conversation with Bex at dinner (after I turned off my phone damn trucks!) That he to doesnt understand and needs to understand my world... When I get stressed I cant as he would say " I just need to get in my truck and haul heavy shit" First I can only put it in first and reverse, second I dont have a CDL and third Im a mom to two darling boys and one neglected at the moment yellow lab! I have insurance clients, band camp, and contracts and and and and.... simply put how do they do it?
I know organization is valuable.... Im getting there. I know some alone time... I need to start running again and I cant say its to cold... last year I was running in freaking 30 degree weather...INSANE, I know but the cold was a shock to my system and harsh and great. Yes this is the girl that is in a hoodie at 70 degrees. I need to play hockey again.... for my sanity.. Unfortuantly my hips cant take it anymore.
I need to take one day at a time and pace myself and get one job done at a time... I need to duct tape the kids to the wall and get the damn truck to williston where it can go and do and is far enough away where Its a vacation to go visit it... Yes Willistion North Dakota in the winter!!! Any takers?
I need peace, harmony, and a boyfriend in the same town. I need a full time maid.... I need a wife. I need someone that can send off the kids, make dinner and fix the sprinkling system in one day.
I need to simplify. One day at a time... a check list... and chore board like the boys.....
hmmmmm.... right now I just need to sleep.... ;)