gerbils, dogs and the glory of it all

Some how I have ended up with two gerbils in my care while my two children are in colorado with their father. Now after the hamster debacle I enlisted a new rules to the household. No rodents. With our history of keeping small creatures in cages is well bets are that they will be lost indefinitely... soon. Problem is like the last time the smell of death loomed in the home for a very long time... Basically I choked on the hideous smell till I tormented and bribed two friends to come and suck all the vents out with their special vacuum. I would have considered sexual favors also to lure my friends and their handy dandy vacuum. Yet threats of man hood being ripped off and tears and BEER did the trick! the stench was beyond any type smell that I could endure. Mind you I am a mother of two boys who play hockey.

Plus these little critters run and bite. The kids warned me that the boy bites... okay... which one is the boy... Also while I was carefully feeding these potential doggie treats....he he Ciara has been staring them down. I dumped the spoonful of critter food all over... Joyous!!

I liked the snakes.. they didnt bite, they would lay down and "cuddle' well they did. Larry would curl up in my cleavage at night while I read my school work. The other would slither a bit more but he would curl around my neck and hang.

The dog.. she is to small to loose and will return home for treats. She doesn't fit in any holes or couch cushions. That is the only reason she is a survivor in this house. So here I am stuck in this home with rodents and a dog. My kids are gone to Colorado for a hockey tournament. I hate it. I get tormented with no human contact. No interaction with anyone one other than the Big lab on my feet.. My mind wanders and torments me of what ifs and who knows. I really hate it... I have been pursuing a sales job. Anything that will give me consistency and stability. If I have that in one part of my life then I will not feel the need to have it in my personal life. Personal life... I am becoming a hermit. I really am becoming one with absolutely no toleration for other humans. My ego boosting friend got FOOK off the other day. Dont try to understand me when your life experiences have not even come close to mine. Also I am sure there is a bit of some type of social disorder wrapped up in my personality to make me even more un understandable for the rational types... Un understandable is english in my world.

My cute little trucker got the same fook off too.. Like I said there is only room with one drama queen in my relationships,... HELLO its already been filled. His is a bit more serious.. I just cant do it so I have hardened myself to the possibilities of what will come in the future... When I lean towards The original skinny trucker dude for comfort and guidance you know its bad!!!

My little trucker threw out the L word on the 7th day of February. #7 was the day of the death of a friend and our 7th month anniversary of dating... love hate the 7. But even better the 9 the day they recovered my friends body.... and they day my trucker pleaded with me to not allow him to be buried in Montana... WTF..... now it was a lot worse on the 9th.. Hes sick hes swollen to the size of a pregnant woman prolly 5 months on his thin ass frame... His organs are strained. And hes not going to get treatment. WTF I refuse to allow someone to torture me by allowing themselves to die. It was heartbreaking and my survival skills came out in full force. I told him after I begged him to get help to FUCK OFF AND DIE..... or pull your head out and survive...

Two days later from the pressure on his stomach cavity he got some treatment. His liver is producing fluid. Its a slow death not a speedy one and luckily discomfort overwhelmed him... Point for me.. Now can I tolerate him with out him drinking? I am not sure... I will support and encourage him but him sober, its going to be a challenge.

So then I enlisted the comfort of my original trucker. Interesting how that happens... Well they grew up together, lived close to each other and their cheating wives hung out together. He told me the truth on the heavy drinking that they did together. Hes just the lucky bastard that prolly has some underlying condition that hosed him.

My friend told me to envision my life how I want it.. I am I am trying smooth life of happiness and love... oh it sounds like a fairy tale... I am sure the fairy tale would also have misery. My ego friend is in his own misery. Well we control our misery so put up and shut up or get out... I informed him just before the Fook off that hes not that miserable cuz he still married, still in his perfect home, perfect life, perfect wife (shes beautiful.) Then told him to fix it or quit the bleeding and get out...

Those desires for someone to care for me are sort of there... I am more powerful than I have been in a long time. Due to the hate for men and the stupidity of them all... My man from years ago... computer boy... the one that still knows me completely.. Said the most significant thing in the 4 years I have known him.. He said that its harder to manage being in a relationship than being alone. Maybe its easier for a woman to manage a relationship than a man. The man has to work more to manage the woman.. Okay it makes complete sense... He is supposed to be the man, the strong arms, the gentle shoulder... and they women he has had in his life....well have baggage. But he is not the easiest critter to deal with easier. I still think if he would just relent, give up, give himself to me completely share his stuff. We would be happy......I just want to curl up next to him... And he was the only man who liked the snakes....

trucks......

So how much is to much? Really not sure so im winging it. Like I said before this blog is therapy and a distraction. Im pmsy, stressed, tired, annoyed and Ive pretty much have had it with the trials and tribulations with truckers, other peoples wounded feelings and anything that has tires. To top it off "lil Missy" aka the 2003 international.... Pulled attitude today. Thank goodness for my friend Mike who wrenchs on his own trucks and gave me a list of why she just up and died on the side of the freeway... (pouting is not a mechanical problem I guess). Well its a fuel thingy thing and she is ready to go.. Note: to whoever drivers her keep the right side filled with fuel....
Right now with all that is going on I am feeling like I am falling apart and stretching out to cling on to some male companionship. No matter how Bad ass I say I am or how present my self as a together kind of gal, I am or how independent I am. As a woman we all want to feel safe and protected. Sometimes with everything swirling around me, all I want is to be cared for. Just for a few minutes. Snuggle up to someone and hear their heart beat. So Im blogging instead of reaching out and making an ass of myself over text or IM.
Last night my driver took all of his life stresses out and pulled a not so smart attitude on the job and got thrown off. I give up.... I want to be coddled. I want a kiss on the forehead and my hair brushed out of my face.
In the middle of my mild mental break down and my cell phone on the verge of running out of battery for the second time AND MY DAMN TRUCK IS STILL ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...... breathe... James called. James is the best! I dont need a man I have him and his wife Tawyna. He is one of incident boys best friends. We have now learned to live in somewhat of a twisted harmony where James has played messenger, consultant, tattletale and referee.
He got to hear me cry today. Believe me he has before.... alot. He experienced almost every hormonal outburst and delicate emotional moment during the incident. Hes a trooper. After the tears flowed and a few encouraging words James was saved by a phone call...yeah right, James made it better....
I was able to deal with the speeding complaint, the continual trucker badgering, and finally lil missy was mended and back on the road.
Skinny Trucker #2 called. This week life has dished him out a few miserable moments for him to deal with also. Unlike me, he does not crave companionship he avoids it. Obviously you can see it has not been a favorable week for either of us and it has just been for the best for us to keep our interaction to the minimum.
He called, everything became okay. We teased on the phone back and forth while he asked me about his conversations with his boss. He mocked me now that I refer to his boss as "Uncle Dave." I asked him how he knew and he said that he came out in the shop and said... "Steveo.. Your F$##% Girlfriend, thinks shes got this G$& D#$%^ St George job figured out." You have got to understand Uncle Dave. Those are terms of endearment.
In his soft voice he told me I could be there by 9 pm. I apologized that I couldnt because I have my sons. He is thinking about coming out and staying with me this weekend. He said he would never come out to the City. He misses me. Im starting to miss him. I need to miss him, I need him to miss me, I need him to need me and most of all I need to know that I matter. He told me tonight in our conversation that I do mean something. It doesnt mean its romantic relationship kind of matter ( I would prefer none of that ... the tummy ache) but friendship and that my time with him matters. I think that is where my heartbreak comes from with Incident Boy. I know I was the recovery girl and he was the recovery boy...but he promised to be my friend always. He was the one that said it and promised it to me. I never asked him to. He broke that simple 5 year old sounding promise.
I hope this Montana boy is a little bit gentler...