emotional hiccup... lets just all catch up

Well I havent written for a while. Maybe I should have. I basically checked out of life between thanksgiving and Christmas. I looked at an earlier post that I did not post. I will after this one. I didnt realize how emotionally destitute I was. It proves that there is hope and that situations will change with hope. While sitting here and writing this my phone pinged with an email. Funny from Heather Madder....amazing personal life coach and person. It is titled how to heal from previous relationships. Well I didnt need that at all...

I was pouting last night over the kids testing my patience EVERY night over the routine that they have been practicing for 5 Years. Simple, brush teeth, pjs, and bed by 9:30. Why question EVERY NIGHT and wonder why I am grumpy.

Just like the towel in the bathroom... HANG IT UP!!! I have used tough love lately when they had to dry off with a hand towel. I refused to give them a towel until they learned to hang it up. Mind you they are 11 and 13. We are not talking about toddlers here... well physically.

They learned pretty quick to aim after cleaning the toilets, floor, shower curtain. So far I havent tripped over a towel this week.

After Christmas I threw my life in the air and said fix it... The universe and God have taken hold. As long as I dont send road blocks in my path my life is drifting in a more positive direction. My roadblocks are stubbornness, hate, laziness, fear, and being uncomfortable, trying something new..

I am shutting down the truck. It breaks my heart, but its a dark industry. Without Jed, or skinny trucker #2 protecting me. I cant compete. I dont want to compete, its a dark, dog devour dog world and I dont want to become a vicious, blood thirsty pit bull that has to watch their back.

The other "changes" the universe has enforced for me... My Tahoe totaled, replaced with a 1994 chevy pick up..... lets not go there right now.... new opportunity in a job with endless possibilities, I am excited about it. I also feel a bit of failure because its a failure to work for someone else? Yet there will be a distinct separation between work and home in which I have not had for years. Funny how deep down you ask and you receive.

I cut my hair... 12 inches donated....

Love? ha ha nope... I found myself craving someone that I had years ago. I was thinking why didnt it work out? could have it worked out? I could have been content....

Content... wow that word came out and whacked me across the face. Is that just a pretty word for settling? Is that a bad thing? Well funny how the universe works... as I was contemplating why it wouldnt be so bad to be content with someone I was with for 3 years. Its wasn't a tragic relationship. It was actually very nice, comfortable... (that is another warning word also) but after 3 years fireworks have to simmer down or you will kill yourself from pure exhaustion.

Then last night I received a text from the person. Yep, I pray it was a drunk text...because it was not appropriate, seething with jealousy, and questioning my dedication. Ummm hello I was not the one that couldn't step up to the plate. Interesting how simple reminders lately pass before me.

My cute trucker boy #2. He is absolutely the sweetest, kindest, royal pain in the ass that I know. I honestly love him.. but in a true friendship kind of way. I have wondered if we could make it work in an unconventional kind of way. He detests the city. I would shrivel in the country. Yet he is just soothing. His voice, his encouragement. His innocence in a way is a huge turn on for me. He is simplicity... he is who I would have been with if I had stayed in the little town. When he tells me I'm a royal pain in the ass. He gave me a purpose. I gave him an attitude, confidence, I created a monster to a point... He came out the "the city" with his new boss. I was their tour guide while they tried to add an MC # to their USDOT #... Yeah trucker stuff. They took me to lunch and he still even in public... let me eat off his plate. During Christmas, I went and hung out with him, absolutely perfect, quiet, laying on his chest watching a cowboy movie...and he had beer! My parents place is dry!

Unfortunately the X wife had hindered his mood by not allowing him to see his daughter. That is my biggest pet peeve, women that use the children as a ploy.. anyway that is another blog in its self.

After years of listening to Bex telling me that my self worth is higher than I can even imagine, I am starting to believe her. Unfortunately it took another cheer leader on my side lines to make me truly believe those words.

My new recruit to the "Erin is that amazing" campaign is a friend that I truly value their opinion. He is the firm hand that to a point adores me.

I have an email on my phone I look at it everyday to enforce the new attitude. It says "extremely beautiful."

It is the ego boost that I need every morning to carry myself through out the day... I look at it as an overall description of what and how everything should be.. extremely beautiful.

He is the ego boost to the max! He is defiantly on the keeper in the friend factor.

He is always asking why someone as beautiful, amazing, successful as I has not been snatched up. Obviously him being married forever from the age of 20 he has not had to tiptoe through the gooo of singlehood and taste the biter bite of dating.

He told me that if I put my mind to it I could be with someone by the weekend. Oh I am sure of that but would it be healthy... nope... oh wait didn't I do that already? Yeah skinny trucker #1. Oh yeah that went really well...

Gotta love the advice marrieds give to singles.

trucks......

So how much is to much? Really not sure so im winging it. Like I said before this blog is therapy and a distraction. Im pmsy, stressed, tired, annoyed and Ive pretty much have had it with the trials and tribulations with truckers, other peoples wounded feelings and anything that has tires. To top it off "lil Missy" aka the 2003 international.... Pulled attitude today. Thank goodness for my friend Mike who wrenchs on his own trucks and gave me a list of why she just up and died on the side of the freeway... (pouting is not a mechanical problem I guess). Well its a fuel thingy thing and she is ready to go.. Note: to whoever drivers her keep the right side filled with fuel....
Right now with all that is going on I am feeling like I am falling apart and stretching out to cling on to some male companionship. No matter how Bad ass I say I am or how present my self as a together kind of gal, I am or how independent I am. As a woman we all want to feel safe and protected. Sometimes with everything swirling around me, all I want is to be cared for. Just for a few minutes. Snuggle up to someone and hear their heart beat. So Im blogging instead of reaching out and making an ass of myself over text or IM.
Last night my driver took all of his life stresses out and pulled a not so smart attitude on the job and got thrown off. I give up.... I want to be coddled. I want a kiss on the forehead and my hair brushed out of my face.
In the middle of my mild mental break down and my cell phone on the verge of running out of battery for the second time AND MY DAMN TRUCK IS STILL ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...... breathe... James called. James is the best! I dont need a man I have him and his wife Tawyna. He is one of incident boys best friends. We have now learned to live in somewhat of a twisted harmony where James has played messenger, consultant, tattletale and referee.
He got to hear me cry today. Believe me he has before.... alot. He experienced almost every hormonal outburst and delicate emotional moment during the incident. Hes a trooper. After the tears flowed and a few encouraging words James was saved by a phone call...yeah right, James made it better....
I was able to deal with the speeding complaint, the continual trucker badgering, and finally lil missy was mended and back on the road.
Skinny Trucker #2 called. This week life has dished him out a few miserable moments for him to deal with also. Unlike me, he does not crave companionship he avoids it. Obviously you can see it has not been a favorable week for either of us and it has just been for the best for us to keep our interaction to the minimum.
He called, everything became okay. We teased on the phone back and forth while he asked me about his conversations with his boss. He mocked me now that I refer to his boss as "Uncle Dave." I asked him how he knew and he said that he came out in the shop and said... "Steveo.. Your F$##% Girlfriend, thinks shes got this G$& D#$%^ St George job figured out." You have got to understand Uncle Dave. Those are terms of endearment.
In his soft voice he told me I could be there by 9 pm. I apologized that I couldnt because I have my sons. He is thinking about coming out and staying with me this weekend. He said he would never come out to the City. He misses me. Im starting to miss him. I need to miss him, I need him to miss me, I need him to need me and most of all I need to know that I matter. He told me tonight in our conversation that I do mean something. It doesnt mean its romantic relationship kind of matter ( I would prefer none of that ... the tummy ache) but friendship and that my time with him matters. I think that is where my heartbreak comes from with Incident Boy. I know I was the recovery girl and he was the recovery boy...but he promised to be my friend always. He was the one that said it and promised it to me. I never asked him to. He broke that simple 5 year old sounding promise.
I hope this Montana boy is a little bit gentler...

I should have my own reality show

Well for starters. I am really not sure how to do this. I guess its like placing the words on paper the you ooze out when you are having a drunken moment and confess all of your thoughts fears and loves to your best friend who is holding your hair as you lean over the toilet. You always feel better after that. I'm thinking that this will be great therapy. In the years to come my children can look it up and prove to their therapist that they indeed came out alot better than expected.
Anyway the latest experience in my life that proves that I am getting very close to being accepted to the Jerry Springer show.

My friends wedding on Saturday!
Of course there will be some history and drama mixed.
Anyway I am hauling ass from Rifle Colorado to make it there. Its a truck thing in Colorado.
I get back throw myself together for the evening. I have to look extra hot! You will find out why. My date meets me and looks absolutely amazing. Come on I can pick them! 30 years old, amazing body, shaved head, black eyes, and smokin hot. Also dressed like someone right off a GQ magazine. He even made sure we color coordinated.
As we enter the wedding he squeezes my hand and tells me to quit spazzing out.
Let me set the mood. My great friends are the bride and groom. The best man is someone I dated. Lets call him "incident boy". He refers to me as "crazy Bitch." (If he has reason to call me that lets just say it was 10 weeks of uncontrolled hormones that he helped create!)
It gets better.... then sitting on the other side of the room is incident boys wife, ex wife, currently seperated or as he would call her "the whore". I think I scored with the nicer of the two nicknames. The person he has sold equipment for, spent thousands of dollars to divorce, and has been in a horrible, vile custody battle with.... is his date.
I have reasons to freak out.
While sitting there my dreamy date leans over to me after surveying the interesting chaos around us.
He says to me "You dont like me because I do not need to be fixed".
History on turtle.... aka my dreamy date.... We dated 3 years ago a bit. He dumped me for his current ex girlfriend, I started dating Novell boy. Through the 3 years we have been confidents, friends, buddies, and support for each other. I have cried on his shoulder about EVERYTHING for years.
I then answered " your right."
I have been outted. I will admit im a Nurturer. I can admit now that im a fixer. I am not sure why.
My BFF Becky has pretty much figured that out a while ago and told me the same thing a few weeks ago. She told me if I need to fix people go back into social work. But I dont want tooooo.....
Its true. There is nothing to fix with Turtle. He is a single dad raising his boys full time and doing a great job. Other than having to pickup the boys once he really doesnt need me. Ahhh yes I have some bizarre need to be needed. Do I know why? Nope... If I did I would be in a calm, non drama relationship (uh wait we cant use that word...makes my tummy hurt.... hang out buddy ) with Turtle.
Luckily I survived the beautiful wedding. Incident boy and I didnt even look at each other. I had a great time with Turtle. Incidet boy and I did the week prior text and talk about Trucks and a little bit about that if his wife would pull her head out he would take her back. I responded with the lecture people dont change!!! Accept that behavior or get the hell out. I will note that I am sooo good at listening to my own advice. Becky is so proud of me that it only took 3 years for me to figure that out with Novell Boy.
Two days later at the truck yard. James, the groom or my rockstar buddy.... we were figuring out the dumptruck thing. Asked me why I am not with Turtle? I told him my reasons. He told me just quit it. He is great, you are cute together, comfortable with each other and if he will deal with your shit go for it.
Easier said than done.. Do you wanna hear the rest?
So I have been seeing someone else also. Skinny trucker #2. Incident boy is the original.
Well SK#2 (Skinny trucker #2) has been out of cell service and gave me a call the next day. And can we say damaged!!! Even worse than Incident Boy. But it gets even better. They were raised together in Montana in a "community". They stayed friends up to a few years ago due to #2 moving and one of the million seperations of Incident Boy and the.... lets say wedding date. Their wives (not sure current status) were good friends. Well hearing from both on their wives behaviors they were damn good wingmen for each other too.
I must admit with #2 I do get peace. He lives out of town and its a place where I can run away.
He lives out of town. I get there about the time he gets off of work. He has his routine and I just follow. Its quiet, peaceful and somewhere where no one knows that Im there.
When I get there he is around back sitting in a chair on the patio reading a book, Drinking a beer and prolly smoking a cigarette. Its always the same. He looks up and smiles, says Hi, gives me a little kiss as I lean over, he tells me hes dirty and sighs as he gives me another kiss. I ask him if hes tired and he winks and says yes. (its our inside joke, he never misses me if hes tired) I grab a beer and a cigarette and sit down across from him. I put my feet on him he reminds me that hes dirty... wrenchin... I wink and say I dont care. He touches my toe rings and shutters and says he just doesnt get it. He hates my toe rings. We sit in the quiet. He will finish his page set down his book and tease me about how slow I drink my beer. (Someday Im going to sneak a bottle of wine in his fridge... Beer gives me bubbles.) If he has been wrenchin in the shop he is covered in grease and dirt. I usually get a small hug and have to wait till he changes... and I pester him to hurry!!! He loves to torment because the more i beg the bigger his smile gets and the longer it takes. If he has been driving its just sand and I get my hug and cuddle, my kiss on my forehead.
He can cook too. We will cook together and talk and sit on the patio cuddled up and talk and just snuggle. Its so quiet and relaxing I wish it was closer.
He always gets up early for work. I wander in later with his mountain dew. Chat with the shop boys and hang out with "Uncle Dave."
I go there for work usually. I try to find work in the depressed and dying oil town that I was raised in. It just damn depressing to see all the trucks on the fence and the rigs stacked with weed growing through them.
Its funny how where I was raised is where I run for escape. The worst part is I dont tell my family. No one knows.... Just Becky and #2.
I sometimes sneak out in the Pete with him to the patch with a load of sand if it was a pre load for a Frac. (Oil Talk sorry..... go out in the big pink truck with the triangle trailers with sand that they stuff down the hole to make the well produce more.... Pre frac no one is up there.)
But sometimes is not that smooth. His Ex has damaged him, and he is still dealing with that pain and the denial of how damaged he is. Trust is a big issue because she broke it.
This boy is a gold mine of damage that needs "fixing".
Im just not sure if my soul can suffer through being the "recovery girl" for another heartbroken Montana boy.
And for your information I met #2 through his brother. I didnt not know the connection until we talked one night for hours. Its simply a delicate situation but right now till the snow falls on the patio at his house Im going to enjoy it.