Extremely beautiful

I was reviewing my previous blog.. I saw this and remembered how i would look at that phrase every morning. I had to get a new phone and lost that email. My blog entry was a simple reminder of what I needed to hear. Times are still tough I am still grieving over the loss of my princess life. My Boss speakers, leather seats, and 3500 square feet of home, 4 bedrooms, two kitchens and a fences manicured lawn. When will it get easier? Today I have a blown gasket in the truck, cluttered basement apartment, and once again lost my firm hand. Why do I miss someone that distrusts me so bad? I cannot convince him and he will never believe. Funny how you can change for one last chance. Was it a good thing? It didnt help. My young hot biker boy... took me back. He responded to my email about the couch. It was legit, yet and excuse to get close. He responded and said he kinda missed me. I was in shock. He was rude and disrespectful when we last spoke. Why would he miss me and why should I miss him? I craved my nightly conversations, those simple calls when he got home. The little texts that he said he missed me to. The fights! Him admitting he just cant let me go. His power, the total feeling of being protected and secure.. I miss. But he was back! He told me I had another chance. Now I should have told him to shove it up his ass. He is the lucky bastard that I have given him the time of day again. But standing next to him my head leaned on his chest and I forget he is an arrogant son of a bitch. He was sick the other day and I was in the neighborhood. Now I learned that happy valley has only one damn starbucks... Joyous!! Now it would have been a quick and simple route to his house but I had to detour to get his coffee. Now this is when I should have listened. Damnit what does he drink? I know three shots of espresso, peppermint in a latte or mocha? Well when I surprised him he said I got it right. I have missed him so much. That girlish giggle is back. The constant wondering and hoping hes thinking of me. It pathetic.

But he came over the other night and once again demons plagued his visit. He said he was falling in love with me. I dont like the L word and its not a true word. Its pharmones and infatuation the first year. Its different then when I read the blog about trucker boy saying it because he is a close friend not a passionate lover. His kisses never went to my toes. He was quiet and understanding. Biker boy is passion and twitterpation. Its too soon!! Worse part is I heard those words sneak through my lips. He is complete satisfaction to me.

Once again Im a liar and he distrusts me. I cannot and will not give my close friends up. I am not sure what to do. I will not get him back nor should I? Is he unhealthy for me or just a firm hand? Everything I do he is upset with, which is wrong. If I dont mention something because I do not find importance in that act then I am a liar and deceiving him. Is it the idea of him? Is it his stature? Feeling so safe? He is going back to school and I felt so proud of him. I want to show him off I loved going out with him.. He says I come in ass a hard ass and leave as a cuddly little thing. I am just being around him I melt.

I dont want to think, I dont want to hurt, he came into my life so swift when I put out in the universe I wanted him. I will now have to void him from my mind. I am going to work, clean and care for boys over and over again. No thoughts will be wasted on yellow motorbikes..

Strike out!!!

Life right now is a perplex bowl of goo..... Since Valentines after making a vow with Mikey I would put as much effort into finding that guy as in a job, the trucks... etc... I did it. Well kind of. In a round about way I ended up making contact with a very young arrogant someone... Exactly right up my ally. Over 6 feet and shaved head... and a bike. I sent a pic to Bex and she said "Oh lord, yep!" His total demeanor smacked the "playa Diva" (from my previous post) right out of her high heels... Game over at the first kiss. This kiss we met at a coffee shop. We had been talking and texting on the phone for almost two weeks. I felt like I knew him I remember standing in line in my heels leaning on him and loving his size. He hovered over me. I remember feeling comfortable with a man I only met once to lean into him as we were in line. He walked me to my truck and as I slithered into THOR... ( we pegged off some K rail the other day! she has earned that name!) He leaned over gripped the nape of my hair and kissed me. I haven't been kissed like that since Scotty. It reached to my toes, it took my breathe and I lost all thought process. As I walked into my meeting I know I was skipping. I dont get twittered. I believe in none of the time consuming flitter, flutter, kind of love, dating hog wash. Now here I am crazing him. Lusting him and just a puddle of goo every time the text, or the phone rings. I have become pathetic. He is a full time dad to a herd of little man childs. He is distrusting, bossy and arrogant. I freaking love it. He is my firm hand.... that adores..

Now trying to be a bit more cautious. I am not on the rebound. I am keeping my head straight. And dont laugh.. Yes he knows oil. He worked in Vernal and has a CDL. I dont know how and why that seems to happen. He is no longer in the business. Thank GOD!!! No more trucker boys for me. He is almost a girl in a store, he bought me the cutest pair of cargo pants and tees. He is kind, he is overbearing. And he is gone.

After several weeks of being lavished by attention. The demons came out. His demons. A simple act and going out with a friend brought on jealousy, distrust and hate that tore it all apart. My outgoing flirtatious manner was to much to bear and the deep, deep scars of a wife gone bad and a girlfriend who forgot to tell him she was married, pushed him to believe that I was just a lying,....... I cant even say what he thinks. He says I disrespect him and cheated and lied to him. The hardest part is he called me a liar. Daddy said all you have is your name.

There is no convincing him that I am true to him or to anyone Im with. Yes I have many male friends and at one point were lovers. But those who are still in my life is because we grew close as friends to.

Skinny Trucker #1 actually apologized out of the blue for calling me a liar and the way he treated me in the break up. It was in March. His sincere apology was greatly appreciated and valued. For him to admit he was wrong is something he does not do.

Maybe someday my young biker boy will see his mistakes also. I am so bullheaded I want to convince him that I am right. But it is not worth it. He will try to control more and will simply have to end then.

I just hate dating!

but honest my crazed mother threw away my homework

Good Morning world,

I am wondering if I should just stop the fight I have in the mornings between 4 am and 5 am... Should I just get up and start the day in the dead of night? Well it is to me. I hate waking up in the cold dark early morning. I leave my top shades open so that in the mornings the light is looming in my room.. By the time 6 something comes around I feel as if I have not slept. Which I have not. I do not have a REM sleep.. I never shut down long enough to rest. It sucks.

Also I have a hard time falling asleep which turns into me decluttering or rearranging an area in the home.. Hense comes the title. Scribbles of their homework or bits and pieces of supposed homework scattered across the floor, I assume that it is destined as scratch paper or needs to be thrown into the trash.. That is my assumption of random papers on my family room floor. They are left right in the traffic path for paw prints and high heel marks. If they were of any importance wouldn't you think that you would keep them in your back pack that should be in the hall closet? Not randomly tossed on the floor of course in the path of their mother. All of their contents spreading out even further as the dog, mom, brother and long board passes, trips and falls over. Yes I said long board. They are looming in the hallway waiting for me to forget and wander into my living room in the dark and fall to my doom. I know it is a quiet plan of the boys to teach me a lesson because Im constantly nagging their ass...

Basically Brendan shreaked as he was sluggishly lounging around the house sllllloooooowwwly getting his clothes on, he needed his spelling homework. Well in the wee hours of 1 am I was washing off counters and clearing of the kitchen table.. A random piece of paper was doomed for the garbage... I wrote a note explaining that he did the homework but I assumed it did not need to be handed in.. He has this way of pouting and fighting at the same time that pretty much makes me crazed. Its a pissy little attitude whine that one day he is going to knocked flying. Its a self serving attitude that I have the honor of hearing every morning because he cant find his shoes... oh yeah they got kicking into the corner so i could walk or I put them away...Amazing!! They say that if you do it 24 times its a habit? Well then its been 6 years when are they gonna get it...... note... I haven't picked up a towel since the had to drip dry....Amazing what a little tough love will do. I havent replaced a shower curtain due to urine stains since they have scrubbed the yellow marks off the floor, wall, picture, ceiling, garbage can...... Its amazing how fast they can aim when they are on their knees every day cleaning up their own mishaps!

Yes Im a bitch of a mom but children were not placed on this earth to be served. They are hear to be taught, guided, and to be loved. I can bitch alot over the little stuff but last night was simply great. I was making the most amazing chicken faghitas, while my youngest decided to make the most amazing bad ass cookies. My other son finishing his homework and set the table. It was great just a little bit of assisatnce and the cookies were baking, the fagitas were on the table, my oldest knew while I was grabbing the supplies out of the fridge to stir what was on the oven.. After dinner, the dishes were being done, stuff put back in the fridge, and homework getting finished. They are a great help and very hard workers. I am proud of the fact that at 13 and 11, they can cook basic meals, do laundry, and put away clothes. Not alot of other kids now days can say that!!!

happy race day!!

This was from Valentines loved it why didnt I post it... Funny thing that happened that night... next post

Thank god for small miracles. Daytona 500 is on black 14. Thank goodness. And my driver Bowyer is in the lead! Yes one man in my life knows how to make me happy. I am also thinking that the facial hair on Dale Jr is not accomidating to my fantasies... Its a no go in the sexy scene. Today starts my man fast. Last night I hung out with my dear friend Mikey. After and indepth conversation in the trials of dating.... such as going out and finding that right guy, the germ lingering on surfaces and body parts that we def DO NOT WANT TO CATCH.. K Mikey has just made me an official germaphobe . After that conversation and the News about fountain drinks... I will never touch a man or a diet coke on tap!!!

Im thinking a man fast isnt a bad thing. Its like a body cleanse.. for the mind and the body. This sabbatical from the desires of the flesh will allow me to gain control of my emotions and also regain my game so that I can toy with the simple creatures call men.. Yes simple creatures. They are easily read if you can keep your wits about you. They are creatures like us all that are driven by need.. Its our job as the dominate playa to toy them and pursuit the other person into realizing what they want is simply me.. Yes its evil and devilish but realistically in the war of love, dating and simple emotional survival in da love game, power is survival.. Heck check out MSN its all about being da playa!!!

Right now I am getting pure excitement watching the Cheerios car going roundy roundy in the lead. The simple pleasures of NASCAR... go fast and turn left. Bowyer is in the lead, there is a red flag that we can burn up some laps on...Oh life is good right now.. Simplicity.

Also this is the best...http://www.mycokerewards.com/showLBE.do?skinType=pillar&id=nascar&size=3

gerbils, dogs and the glory of it all

Some how I have ended up with two gerbils in my care while my two children are in colorado with their father. Now after the hamster debacle I enlisted a new rules to the household. No rodents. With our history of keeping small creatures in cages is well bets are that they will be lost indefinitely... soon. Problem is like the last time the smell of death loomed in the home for a very long time... Basically I choked on the hideous smell till I tormented and bribed two friends to come and suck all the vents out with their special vacuum. I would have considered sexual favors also to lure my friends and their handy dandy vacuum. Yet threats of man hood being ripped off and tears and BEER did the trick! the stench was beyond any type smell that I could endure. Mind you I am a mother of two boys who play hockey.

Plus these little critters run and bite. The kids warned me that the boy bites... okay... which one is the boy... Also while I was carefully feeding these potential doggie treats....he he Ciara has been staring them down. I dumped the spoonful of critter food all over... Joyous!!

I liked the snakes.. they didnt bite, they would lay down and "cuddle' well they did. Larry would curl up in my cleavage at night while I read my school work. The other would slither a bit more but he would curl around my neck and hang.

The dog.. she is to small to loose and will return home for treats. She doesn't fit in any holes or couch cushions. That is the only reason she is a survivor in this house. So here I am stuck in this home with rodents and a dog. My kids are gone to Colorado for a hockey tournament. I hate it. I get tormented with no human contact. No interaction with anyone one other than the Big lab on my feet.. My mind wanders and torments me of what ifs and who knows. I really hate it... I have been pursuing a sales job. Anything that will give me consistency and stability. If I have that in one part of my life then I will not feel the need to have it in my personal life. Personal life... I am becoming a hermit. I really am becoming one with absolutely no toleration for other humans. My ego boosting friend got FOOK off the other day. Dont try to understand me when your life experiences have not even come close to mine. Also I am sure there is a bit of some type of social disorder wrapped up in my personality to make me even more un understandable for the rational types... Un understandable is english in my world.

My cute little trucker got the same fook off too.. Like I said there is only room with one drama queen in my relationships,... HELLO its already been filled. His is a bit more serious.. I just cant do it so I have hardened myself to the possibilities of what will come in the future... When I lean towards The original skinny trucker dude for comfort and guidance you know its bad!!!

My little trucker threw out the L word on the 7th day of February. #7 was the day of the death of a friend and our 7th month anniversary of dating... love hate the 7. But even better the 9 the day they recovered my friends body.... and they day my trucker pleaded with me to not allow him to be buried in Montana... WTF..... now it was a lot worse on the 9th.. Hes sick hes swollen to the size of a pregnant woman prolly 5 months on his thin ass frame... His organs are strained. And hes not going to get treatment. WTF I refuse to allow someone to torture me by allowing themselves to die. It was heartbreaking and my survival skills came out in full force. I told him after I begged him to get help to FUCK OFF AND DIE..... or pull your head out and survive...

Two days later from the pressure on his stomach cavity he got some treatment. His liver is producing fluid. Its a slow death not a speedy one and luckily discomfort overwhelmed him... Point for me.. Now can I tolerate him with out him drinking? I am not sure... I will support and encourage him but him sober, its going to be a challenge.

So then I enlisted the comfort of my original trucker. Interesting how that happens... Well they grew up together, lived close to each other and their cheating wives hung out together. He told me the truth on the heavy drinking that they did together. Hes just the lucky bastard that prolly has some underlying condition that hosed him.

My friend told me to envision my life how I want it.. I am I am trying smooth life of happiness and love... oh it sounds like a fairy tale... I am sure the fairy tale would also have misery. My ego friend is in his own misery. Well we control our misery so put up and shut up or get out... I informed him just before the Fook off that hes not that miserable cuz he still married, still in his perfect home, perfect life, perfect wife (shes beautiful.) Then told him to fix it or quit the bleeding and get out...

Those desires for someone to care for me are sort of there... I am more powerful than I have been in a long time. Due to the hate for men and the stupidity of them all... My man from years ago... computer boy... the one that still knows me completely.. Said the most significant thing in the 4 years I have known him.. He said that its harder to manage being in a relationship than being alone. Maybe its easier for a woman to manage a relationship than a man. The man has to work more to manage the woman.. Okay it makes complete sense... He is supposed to be the man, the strong arms, the gentle shoulder... and they women he has had in his life....well have baggage. But he is not the easiest critter to deal with easier. I still think if he would just relent, give up, give himself to me completely share his stuff. We would be happy......I just want to curl up next to him... And he was the only man who liked the snakes....

strength... I wrote it 12-6-2009 didnt post..should have

Im not sure where it comes from but Im hoping to salvage some soon. The attitude in keeping my head up and working hard is getting to be somewhat of a huge challenge. Doors of opportunity are being slammed left and right the only door that opens seems to be at the foot of some steep knarly stairs that I seem to trip and fall down constantly. Right now im just a heap of battered emotions and the lost will to continue in the path that I have been so headstrong to continue on.
Yes this is a pity party! Exhaustion and self doubt continually leads me in this direction. I am not sure how to detour myself off this path the rocks and roadblocks hinder me to accomplishing my goal... its a simple goal to suceed enough to clothe and feed my children no biggie. Yes the escalade, mercades and the big house with the full time housekeeper and chef would be pretty damn cool. Right now just to keep the kids fed and clothed would be the kicker for me.
I was able to rest at my parent during thanksgiving. Actually it was an escape from all of the stressors pressing on my mind. I almost considered not leaving. Im still considering going back and telling anyone. Just hop in my car in my favorite vickie secret velour... pack my jeans that fit me a hoodie and toothbrush. Instant new life. Secret life..well kinda except everyone knows me and so it wouldnt be soo soo secret. My mom was great in a way she was like when i was small. She gave me the quiet support that I have been craving for years. Like tender hugs and soft strokes on my hair like when I was a little girl. Not judgements not harping no critical comments on my lifestyle. I am sure that she sensed that I was to fragile to even take a critic so small as to put away your glass...
Tomorrow is the 7th.. happy, sad. Skinny trucker boy and my first date was the 7th 5 months ago. It was the day my friend died too. happy, Sad.

emotional hiccup... lets just all catch up

Well I havent written for a while. Maybe I should have. I basically checked out of life between thanksgiving and Christmas. I looked at an earlier post that I did not post. I will after this one. I didnt realize how emotionally destitute I was. It proves that there is hope and that situations will change with hope. While sitting here and writing this my phone pinged with an email. Funny from Heather Madder....amazing personal life coach and person. It is titled how to heal from previous relationships. Well I didnt need that at all...

I was pouting last night over the kids testing my patience EVERY night over the routine that they have been practicing for 5 Years. Simple, brush teeth, pjs, and bed by 9:30. Why question EVERY NIGHT and wonder why I am grumpy.

Just like the towel in the bathroom... HANG IT UP!!! I have used tough love lately when they had to dry off with a hand towel. I refused to give them a towel until they learned to hang it up. Mind you they are 11 and 13. We are not talking about toddlers here... well physically.

They learned pretty quick to aim after cleaning the toilets, floor, shower curtain. So far I havent tripped over a towel this week.

After Christmas I threw my life in the air and said fix it... The universe and God have taken hold. As long as I dont send road blocks in my path my life is drifting in a more positive direction. My roadblocks are stubbornness, hate, laziness, fear, and being uncomfortable, trying something new..

I am shutting down the truck. It breaks my heart, but its a dark industry. Without Jed, or skinny trucker #2 protecting me. I cant compete. I dont want to compete, its a dark, dog devour dog world and I dont want to become a vicious, blood thirsty pit bull that has to watch their back.

The other "changes" the universe has enforced for me... My Tahoe totaled, replaced with a 1994 chevy pick up..... lets not go there right now.... new opportunity in a job with endless possibilities, I am excited about it. I also feel a bit of failure because its a failure to work for someone else? Yet there will be a distinct separation between work and home in which I have not had for years. Funny how deep down you ask and you receive.

I cut my hair... 12 inches donated....

Love? ha ha nope... I found myself craving someone that I had years ago. I was thinking why didnt it work out? could have it worked out? I could have been content....

Content... wow that word came out and whacked me across the face. Is that just a pretty word for settling? Is that a bad thing? Well funny how the universe works... as I was contemplating why it wouldnt be so bad to be content with someone I was with for 3 years. Its wasn't a tragic relationship. It was actually very nice, comfortable... (that is another warning word also) but after 3 years fireworks have to simmer down or you will kill yourself from pure exhaustion.

Then last night I received a text from the person. Yep, I pray it was a drunk text...because it was not appropriate, seething with jealousy, and questioning my dedication. Ummm hello I was not the one that couldn't step up to the plate. Interesting how simple reminders lately pass before me.

My cute trucker boy #2. He is absolutely the sweetest, kindest, royal pain in the ass that I know. I honestly love him.. but in a true friendship kind of way. I have wondered if we could make it work in an unconventional kind of way. He detests the city. I would shrivel in the country. Yet he is just soothing. His voice, his encouragement. His innocence in a way is a huge turn on for me. He is simplicity... he is who I would have been with if I had stayed in the little town. When he tells me I'm a royal pain in the ass. He gave me a purpose. I gave him an attitude, confidence, I created a monster to a point... He came out the "the city" with his new boss. I was their tour guide while they tried to add an MC # to their USDOT #... Yeah trucker stuff. They took me to lunch and he still even in public... let me eat off his plate. During Christmas, I went and hung out with him, absolutely perfect, quiet, laying on his chest watching a cowboy movie...and he had beer! My parents place is dry!

Unfortunately the X wife had hindered his mood by not allowing him to see his daughter. That is my biggest pet peeve, women that use the children as a ploy.. anyway that is another blog in its self.

After years of listening to Bex telling me that my self worth is higher than I can even imagine, I am starting to believe her. Unfortunately it took another cheer leader on my side lines to make me truly believe those words.

My new recruit to the "Erin is that amazing" campaign is a friend that I truly value their opinion. He is the firm hand that to a point adores me.

I have an email on my phone I look at it everyday to enforce the new attitude. It says "extremely beautiful."

It is the ego boost that I need every morning to carry myself through out the day... I look at it as an overall description of what and how everything should be.. extremely beautiful.

He is the ego boost to the max! He is defiantly on the keeper in the friend factor.

He is always asking why someone as beautiful, amazing, successful as I has not been snatched up. Obviously him being married forever from the age of 20 he has not had to tiptoe through the gooo of singlehood and taste the biter bite of dating.

He told me that if I put my mind to it I could be with someone by the weekend. Oh I am sure of that but would it be healthy... nope... oh wait didn't I do that already? Yeah skinny trucker #1. Oh yeah that went really well...

Gotta love the advice marrieds give to singles.